Merry Christmas!

OK OK OK

I know it's been like, forever since I've written anything in here. And I'm sorry. I've recently heard that I have more fans than I originally thought.

Therefore, I am hoping to write alot more. Well, a little more than once every 3 months that for sure. Ha. Yeah... we all know how well I stick to things when I say them haha.

Anyway. My blog today will be about fucking Christmas Carols. Like, Christmas is definitely my favourite holiday (with the exception of my birthday) but the stupid mother fucking songs people NEED to sing around this time of year.  So, I'll go down the list of songs that just tick me off and make me smack the off button on my radio.

"Grandma got run over my a reindeer"
What kind of sick mother fucker sings about how his grandmother was killed by Santa's "trusty" steeds? Like, come on.

"Do They Know it's Christmas"
Another stupid song... Who the fuck doesn't know it's Christmas. The fucking Jews know it's Christmas... even if they don't celebrate it. Like, unless you don't own a tv, a radio, never go shopping or do anything but lay in bed and stare at your ceiling.

"Jingle Bells"
ahaha... so the song itself isn't all that bad... but what if, like, it wasn't "jingle" bells; but like, some-other-onomatopoeia-kind-of-bells

"Twelve Days of Christmas"
Two words can efficiently describe how I feel about this song. SHUT UP. Hearing that your true love gave you 50 million fucking birds and song rings and a bunch of rando people does not make me very Christmassy.

Oh...and what is with all those sad Christmas songs... It's like, SHUT THE FUCK UP! it's Christmas. You can sing about all your other problems every other fucking day of the year.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Happy Groping!

Airport fun

Hey blog buddies.

HAPPY READING WEEKKKKKK!!! and for those who don't get one... you suck. aha.

ANYWAY. funny thing happened to me yesterday. I had to catch a 9:30 flight from Ottawa to Sudbury.. no big deal.......you'd think. But I somehow managed to fuck it up, well, sorta.

So I figured I'd wake up nice and early at 6:00 and take my time, go for a shower, eat breakfast and make sure I packed everything I needed. Keep in mind that I had planned on arriving an hour before my flight left. SO I decide to check my itinerary and things seem to be on time.. then I realize it's about an hour bus ride from my house to the airport. It's currently 7:45 AM. oh YES! I'm sooo fucking pumped to run through the airport. I must say though, given the flights I've been on, about 60% of them involved some running. Then, as I realize I have to walk to the bus stop...I hurry the fuck up, get my coat and run downstairs with my huge luggage. I get outside. Fuck my fucking life... It's like minus 500 degrees outside. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, my lovely East Indian neighbour gives me a ride to the bus stop. YAY ME! it actually shaved about 10 minutes off my time. So I get on the bus and I swear my bus driver was Mother Theresa. She waited like 10 minutes at every stop just to make sure nobody else was getting on the fucking bus. LIKE, HELLOOOO! I have a plane to catch bitch face.

So I finally get to the airport and I have 4 minutes left for check in. Thank fucking god. I would have had a shit fit right there had I missed check in. Oh and the Ottawa airport isn't that busy, so I actually had just enough time to run and catch the first boarding call for my flight. It was BEAUTIFUL.

So yeah... the flight was pretty uneventful... I had a whole section to myself (2 seats) which was like, some sorta prize I guess for being able to fucking run through all the sections of the airport in 10 minutes flat. and omg. they had these Terra chip things on the plane... they were kinda amazing. Definitely pick up one next time you fly Porter.

So yeah.. that was my morning yesterday... how great right?

Happy Groping!

Late night adventures in the library.

Hey Blog buddies. I realie it is quite late as I write this for you... but this was perfectly blog-worthy. 


SO anyway, as most of you have seen on Facebook, I am no longer single. I know...exciting right? I sure think so. EITHER WAY, this blog is not about all the mushy shit in my life. It's about the moments that make me piss. aha


So. Tyler and new friend Stephanie are siting in the library right? It's currently 11:50 PM...we're all kinda tired, and maybe this story might not sound as epic as it actually was.


So we're talking about our classes and all Tyler is complaining that he has a mild speech impediment and can't say the word SOCIAL RESEARCH... it's really not that fucking hard... but whatever.


ANYWAY, this is an exact replication of what happened:

Tyler: I can't say it "sosa research"....sosha sosha...man i sound like a freakin asian!!

Sure maybe that's not quite as funny as it sounds... 

but Tyler looks behind and realizes there is a table of asians sitting 6 feet away.

Oh hot damn. Good one. The smoothest of smooth. 

Ahahaha the worst part is we are now listening to them speak enthusiastic Asian (who the fuck knows if it was Japanese, Chinese, Korean... IT WAS ASIAN!) and we're laughing at them...still....10 minutes later.

Good things happen in the library :)

Happy Groping!

Skyler's quick-fix #1

Hey Blog Buddies!

So it's been 2 weeks since I made my vlog....and traffic has increased on my blog by 300%....what the hell...where are all these people coming from? Thank you for reading though. Anyway... I know I don't write as often as everyone would like..but University os a bitch... actually...I'm only writing now to avoid doing homework that needs to be done HAHA!. OH! and Happy Thanksgiving to everyone... I mean..it's the most useless holiday ever...but I'm thankful for it...(did you see what I just did there.. thankful for thanksgiving???) haha....

SO today, I'm going to share with you something that bothers me AND my quick-fixes for is. This topic was actually brought up by the mom of a good friend of mine.

SO first on the list.... The people at call centres. Ok WHAT THE FUCK? is there some criteria which states that in order to work at a call centre, English has to be your second language and that you have to be of fucking Indian decent? I mean...I'm not racist by any means... but if you expect people to call you with their problems with, lets say, their phones (Bell is the absolute worst for this) you should at least expect to be able to understand what the fuck the person helping you is saying. IT'S MADNESS!!!!!
And honestly... what is so appealing for these East-Indian people at a call-centre anyway? It's not they're serving mango-curry chicken everyday....
Skyler's quick-fix: When you first call, (and this works in Canada only I presume) and you're faced with the annoying son of a bitch robot on the other end saying: "For English, press 1. Pour les services en Français, appuyer sur le 2" (english translation: "For French, hit 2") ALWAYS hit the french. Even if your French is limited to "Je m'appelle" and the eponymous baby seal "phoque". Everytime I've done this, you're connected with someone white, who can also speak English!!!! Think about it... in today's society, it's SUPREMELY uncommon to speak only French!!! So when you're finally connected with the french bitch on the other end, just say you hit the wrong button... chances are she'll just help you anyway. I'm so clever I scare myself.

Happy Groping! 

Just a little something to remember me by :)

ok so. Just a little heads up for anyone reading these...if they offend you...I couldn't care less. What I have to say has absolutely nothing to do with you. These blogs are written for pure enjoyment and entertainment purposes. Don't fucking talk behind my back and bitch about what I choose to write about. Because in all honesty and frankness, you're wasting your breath.

THAT BEING SAID... If that, or anything else you read on this blog offends you...FUCK OFF!

A vlog?

Hey blog buddies!

Ok, so a week in between posts all while trying to juggle massive amounts of homework (aka  punishment for wanting a higher education and a better paying job. FML) I do have a couple stories to tell ya'll about though.

So Thursday I was walking around in between classes and I saw a new friend of mine walking in the opposite direction. So I decided to to catch up to her and say hi. So you all know that between friends, it's okay to give each other that little "hey" punch on the shoulder. Nothing serious...doesn't hurt, isn't very surprising. So I give my friend Sam a punch on the shoulder and she turns around and (as you probably already figured out)....it's not Sam. So the stranger I went up to and punched turns around and is like: "What the hell dude!" and by this point I'm like "OHHHH FUCK!" in my head... so all I say is: "ohmygod...I thought you were someone else" to which she says: "Well...I hope you so! don't just go around punching people asshole" and then she kinda laughed, and I kinda did that nervous laugh thing that EVERYONE does when they're nervous...that "he.....ha...he....ya"  turns out she was in my psych class later that night....oh joy.
Lesson of the story: Don't go around fucking punching complete strangers. Even if it is a pussy punch. People, for some reason...., get mad.

Ok. and now I'm going to go into slight boring mode for a sec...so bear with me
You know when you're just so tired that everything because either a total sap story and you bawl about everything? That, or the complete opposite and everything suddenly seems so much funnier? ok. weird thing happened to me last night. I finally made a vlog...I started it at 11PM, which is my own fault for being a fuck head and starting something that I knew would take me like 5 hours at 11 o'clock at night (on a Friday night no less...can you say "no life"? <---don't actually...i have feelings too you know). So I'm running around my house with my laptop in my hands and I get back inside and I had this really mad laughing fit. Seriously, I think some weird voodoo shit happened last night... all of a sudden, I was on the floor pissing myself laughing. and I still can't figure out why I even started. So that lasted about 5 minutes (good thing my roomate wasn't home...I probably wouldn't have a place to stay because she would think I'm a total crackwhore) and I continued my vlog. Then I finally finished it around midnight. "sure, an hour doesn't seem to bad to film a vlog?" well I'd say "Fuck you! ya. fuck you!" bcz filming is the easiest part...except talking to your computer aka self..that's kinda weird. Then I had to edit the things and cut out a few parts bcz I pretty much just rambled on and on for 13 minutes. Miraculously, I got it down to 9 min and 40 seconds (or something to that effect...who fucking cares) (I love my use of really non-informative and useless parentheses....they make me happy) (and I'm pretty sure swearing is not allowed in parenthetical phrases either) (fuck it) (see what I just did there? clever!) Then I was trying to cut out the really weird parts where I kinda just stared at the camera for long periods of time because i forgot what i was going to say, and that wasn't working and by this time it was 1AM and I had been up since 8:30AM the day before and had barely slept the night before...so I cried. hahaha I don't even know why I was crying... I was just crying hahaha. (menopause perhaps??? who knows)  Then I pulled myself together and didn't get finished until like 3AM when my computer told me it would take 3 hours to upload to Youtube. FUCK YOU YOUTUBE! 3 hours! do you know how fucking long that is???? GAH!

Anyway, it's uploading as we speak... and by the time I'm done writing this, it should be ready and therefore, i will post a link here to view it.

So anyway, I realize today's blog is kinda dull, but that's because you have a totally radical vlog to watch now. Enjoy :) p.s. shut off the music at the top of this page lol.








Happy Groping!

Fucking preteens.

Hey blog buddies! It's been a while, and I'm sorry. As you all know (or maybe don't know... I dunno..I'm not in your head) I've been extremely busy lately. I moved to Ottawa for school and I'm honestly loving it. At first it was weird...I mean, I pretty much played dead the first day here alone... Everything was so new and I couldn't get anywhere bcz I had to take the city bus and I've never taken a bus before in my life...Actually, that's a lie.. I just lied to you. I had taken a city bus before with a friend, but that one time I pulled the "ding string" about 8 stops too early.... so you can barely count that) Other than that, if you wanna see pictures, I'll put some up right here. They're the same ones as on Facebook.

Ok, so today's actual blog might be a little short, but I think it will be a good one based on the observations I made today...

So I was walking around the mall today getting a few things I needed and I saw a huge group of preteens taking pictures...over nothing. Apparently when they get together, it's absolutely necessary to take absurd and pointless pictures of themselves. I swear, Facebook is utterly polluted by a bunch of fucking 12 year old who have nothing better to do than to take 4562347562397846597824365 pictures of themselves and their friends at various public places! I mean, I can totally understand if it's a huge vacation to somewhere exotic but to the movie theatre? SERIOUSLY bitches?

And like, I fucking hate how they get all excited and be like: "OMG! lets take a picture here because it's only the hundredth time we've ever seen a movie together!" PUHLEASE! give me a break.

OH! and you know how, in every group of friends, there's that one person who everyone likes, but nobody really likes all that much? hahaha. well the funniest thing is when that person tries to get their picture taken with everyone else. SHe'd be all like: "OMG! take a picture with meeeee!" and the person just stand there while the outcast just wraps her whole body around her and gives a huge smile all while the poor friend has to sit there and give that really fucking painful smile because shamoo is wrapped around her like a fucking piece of duct tape. (wonderful stuff duct tape, but don't abuse it) And when you see the picture later, you know exactly who this outcast is because the smile on the "friend" is priceless. It simply reads "hurry-up-and-take-the-fucking-picture-slut-because-this-is-my-"I-don't-really-like-you-and-I-just-wanna-get-this-over-with-fast""

And they pick the stupidest reasons to take pictures such as:

• "OMG! we're at the mall! hurry up and take a picture with me!"
• "OMG! we're at school, eating lunch! this is so radical we need to take a picture"
• "OMG! we're eating supper at a restaurant, so let's take picture so we can disturb everyone else while thy eat their nice suppers"
• "OMG! I have a nose! let's take a picture!"
• or my personal favourite: ""OMG I JUST GOT MY FIRST PERIOD, TAKE A 
  PICTURE QUICK, CAUSE IT WONT LAST LONG, I'LL BE PREGGERS SOON"
  
  

Yep...it's good to be back blog buddies ;)

Happy Groping!

Skyler's adventures to and in Ottawa. Day 1

Hey blog buddies! I guess it’s been a while since I’ve told you the going-ons of my day... I guess it’s because, for a while now, my day has been: Sleep, Drink my face off, work, repeat; with the omission of “drink my face off” every 5 days or so. But today, many very interesting things have happened to me. See, I had to come to Ottawa this week to check on 4 possible apartments for the school year. Well, let me tell you, it’s NOT as easy as it seems. 

So we left Sudbury promptly at 9:30AM. I had to make an emergency stop at Starbucks, and then we were on our way. The way down to Ottawa was pretty much uneventful... Stopped in Sturgeon Falls (Cheddar cheese bagels!) and Deep River intentionally, then I had a sudden bladder pressure augmentation and stopped in this quaint little village called Renfrew (yes, much like Holt Renfrew, but MUCH less glamorous). Talk about a fucking adventure. You go down this road that looks as if it’s been taken directly from Farmville (complete with weird little people with extremely disproportionate heads and all) . Well talk about trying to get out of this town... it’s as if they’re trying to keep you there. And then the GPS is lying and says I’m supposed to go through this corn field, but actually makes you end up going on this weird little crescent shaped road to bring you back onto the road you turned off of... ( more of my retarded GPS later on...)

When we make it into Deep River, Brianne decided to blast Cotton-Eyed Joe in the car with the windows down at the gas station... yay me. So then we continued our trek to Ottawa, and because of the absurd amounts of useless construction, Brianne got to wave at like 2479365274365783495170423 construction workers... about 2 of them waved back... probably bcz they felt bad for her mental handicap. Either way, I think we were like, an hour later all due to construction. Then we get onto the Queensway (417)...Holy bitch suck. Talk about crazy people in crazy cars going really fast and making retarded lane changes while your GPS is yelling “STAY RIGHT...in 200 metres, STAY RIGHT!” and then you’re like “FUCK YOU computer GPS lady! anymore right, I’m going left!” all while worrying about the 6746578324658734627834608243670189576452376592345 cars flying around you.

Ok, so maybe the 417 wasn’t all that bad after all... it was pretty easy now that i think of it. 

THEN we got to downtown Ottawa... at 5PM or so... the GPS giudes us to the hotel in good fashion until it’s starts having epileptic seizures and says: “In 200 metres, turn left, then turn left, turn left” so I say: “Umm...okay! let’s go straight!” GPS says, in turn: “recalculating...turn right, then in 1 kilometer, turn right” so I followed her directions and I missed the hotel completely because the British bitch inside my GPS hates me. So we go around in a circle again and end up at the hotel... well then I don’t know where to park and I suddenly spot a place... but we already passed it...and we’re on a one-way street. CIRCLE THE FUCKING BLOCK AGAIN! I swear... this whole time, I think the angry lady in the GPS wanted to say: “Listen here you little shit! If I have to recalculate one more time, I’m going to eat your first-born”. OH! side story. Brianne and I are arriving downtown and I say: “look! the people in Downtown Ottawa are so different than the people in Downtown Sudbury! they look so normal.... OH! except that guy...” (a homeless looking guy riding an old-person’s scooter thing).  

SO I finally made it to the hotel...GPS still intact... British lady still shouting directions at me. And then I have to park my car... well here’s the deal... the parking is like, WAAAYYY underground. It’s like a fucking obstacle course getting down this tiny ramp and finding your way to your designated parking spot. The prize at the end: Congratulations, your car is still in good condition! 

So we go and see the first house, problem free. It was very nice... but I’m not writing about that. Then we decided were hungry and were going to eat somewhere. the nearest places are near this one mall (crappy mall) and we’re driving around in circles around the mall because every 2 seconds, the GPS says “Arriving at destination on right” and there was NEVER a restaurant in sight. I swear it was angry british lady trying to get back at me for the hotel dilemma. Finally I see the restaurant and it’s like, 800 meters east of where we were... FUCK YOU ANGRY BRITISH GPS LADY! FUCK YOU!

Then we went to the second house, wasn’t all that great. And got back to the hotel safely, parking was much easier the second time around... Still not what i would consider “EASY” though... 

I’ll tell you guys all about tomorrow another time though.

HAPPY GROPING!

So... we're starting a new life....

Sooo...university eh? kinda scary, without a doubt. But kind of exciting right? I know I wrote this as note on Facebook, but I think it's very true and I think more people will read it here anyway. I know... this is going to be very different from what I usually write here (it's actually going to be something heartfelt; which, in itself is something very new to me)

Grade twelve is unlike any other. Here are a few things you should know.. It won't hit you when you wake up for your last first day of school. It won't hit you as you walk into the school for the first time as an official senior. It won't hit you when you cheer at your last football game. It won't hit you as you go to your last school dance. It won't hit you when you get all stressed about prom and realize the night passes by way to fast . It won't hit you as you do absurd amounts of work to try and get into College or University. It won't hit you as you write that generic essay letter that you try to use for all your applications. It won't hit you as you celebrate New Year's with the friends you have known since childhood. It won't hit you when you write your last highschool exam and everyone gets their party on! You won't feel it when you are having the time of your life at your last spring break in Dominican Republic with the best of people. You don't realize it at stag and then go to school drunk the next day.  You begin to realize it at Grad party when you look around and realize that you will never see half of these people again. You will begin to see it more over the summer when everyone is getting their roommates, class schedules, and going to orientation. It still hasn't fully hit you when you are sitting in your room packing up the past 18 years of your life, laughing with your best friend about all the stupid stuff you've done. You might feel it the morning you leave for college as that it is the last time you will see your room, your parents, and your best friend for like 3 months. It will finally hit you when you are sitting in your dorm room with a perfect stranger, that you have to live with for the next year. Please, Please, PLEASE make every moment of your Senior year count, you only get to do it once. College or university will be a lot of fun, but in the meantime, jump at every opportunity you get to do anything that you have ever wanted to do. Spend as much time with friends as possible, for it will not be long until you meet new people and inevitably grow apart.

Fashion advice from a harsh critic.

Hey blog buddies!

So I’ve been having a bit of difficulty thinking of appropriate things to rant/rip/rave about recently. I’d like to remind you all should you think of a really good blog topic for me, feel free to leave it on my Facebook wall or as a comment below. Or send me a text..or whatever, just make sure I know about it.

Now... as for today’s blog, fear not! Because I have thought of something to write to you about. And it is one of my all-time favorite things to talk about: FASHION. Now, for all the guys who read my blog, don’t start groaning just yet. There will be things in this blog that you will thank me for! (this goes for some girls too)

I think I’ll talk mostly about fashion faux-pas, because they are much more fun to talk about.

Now, if there’s ONE thing that bugs me more than anything else when I’m judging someone’s fashion choice, it’s their socks, or lack thereof. First of all, your socks should match your outfit or at least your shoes! Seriously! You can’t just go around in a tux with white gym socks! You might as well wear a big-ass sign saying “I don’t know how to dress myself, please hit me” Then again, don’t take this too literally and buy a pair of socks for every outfit you buy either.... Sometimes it’s creepy when you’re wearing an argyle sweater with matching argyle socks. I had a teacher who was wearing a pink argyle sweater once...her socks were black with pink argyle too. It was kinda creepy. All I’m saying is put a little thought into what goes on your feet, you never know when... (Ok, I’m trying really hard to think of something clever to say right here, but nothing’s coming... so “Insert clever Skyler comment here”). OH! and never wear socks with crocs. Actually, never wear crocs.

Another thing that people shouldn’t wear is a turtle neck. Just the name makes me think of dirty things..which is probably my own perverted mind’s fault... but whatever... they’re still really crappy. And don’t tell me “They’re practical...” because they are soooo not. First of all, they are soo uncomfortable. I’m sorry, but I don’t appreciate a tight piece of fabric wrapped around my neck giving me the illusion of a giraffe neck. The whole idea of a turtle neck is soooo unsettling. What would happen if my neck suddenly swelled? I could just see the newspaper headline now: “Man dies, due to swelling while in turtle neck” (OH MY GOD! the sexual innuendoes! I can’t even handle it!). So next time you reach for that “wanna-be-a-fucking-giraffe-neck-thing-because-my-mom-dresses-me-like-a-nun” garment, think again.

Another little note concerning this blog, if anyone saw my facebook status today, Horizontal stripes DO make you look fat. So don’t wear them, unless you’re Paris Hilton, in which case it’s okay to wear horizontal stripes because they give your body a bit of form.

Happy Groping!

Fourty-Fifth (Tacky things part 2)

Ok so, I'm kinda getting tired and unorganized with naming every blog entry a number, so I'm going to start (starting with today's blog) actually naming the blogs.

ok. so a few months ago I started a blog called “tacky things” . . . I think it was in April if I’m not mistaken... Anyway, I figured I would finally write the “Part 2” I promised a long time ago.

1. Hawain shirts.

I don’t know who the fuck you think you’re fooling when you wear these pieces of shit. I mean honestly, do you really think it’s necessary to wear a gross-ass piece of obscene floral pattern around where everyone can see you? You might as well just go nude. And you ever notice how the guys who wear these are like, beyond ugly?  You walk around anywhere when it’s hot outside and there’s no way you’re going to avoid the lard-ass wearing this article of “clothing” reserved for the people who should also be wearing a sign saying “Punch me in the fucking face because I don’t know how to dress and my stupid bitch-ass wife thought it would be clever to dress me in this distracting and abominable cheap polyester garment.”

1. Plastic Flamingos

“Look at me! I’m a foolish pink bird who adds absolutely NOTHING to your yard and who looks like the representative from ‘absolute flaming homosexuals are us’” (that’s what the bird says when you walk by). Seriously though, what is the reason for these stupid plastic, pink chickens polluting the trashiest of white trash yards? There is NO esthetic or economic value to these inanimate assholes. They are sooooo unrealistic...I mean.. really. There are sooo many other and better plastic things I would rather display on my front yard such as: plastic christmas trees (they don’t drop needles!!!), plastic dogs ( I mean, they just seem so much more realistic than tropical birds...) and so on and so forth.

1. Spinning rims.

Or whatever the real name for them is. You know what I’m talking about. Those really pretentious and obnoxious things people put on their wheel rims to make it seem like their car is “pimped out” when really it’s just another cheap ass car that someone thinks is just “the shit” because there’s a shiny piece of metal (most of them are plastic now...which is so much worse) that spins in the air... I was like that once, except is was a playing card in the spokes of my bike tires. There’s a big difference there... When I was 8 and put that card in my spokes, I didn’t have child support to pay because I was a genuine fuck-up, crack whore; I was being a kid. Grow the fuck up, get a real car (like a Mazda 3 perhaps? hahaha..anyone who knows me personally will understand this) and stop letting your kid starve, asshole.

Well anyway, I’m sure there will be a third installment to this series, but that’s all for tonight. I have to work at 9 tomorrow. YAY me!....

Happy Groping!

fourty-first post

Soo....exams are in a week and a half...no big deal... I swear, the teachers just like seeing ugly, lanky teenagers have massive acne breakouts due to stress... Seriously.... EW. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones who can keep his cool and not fret about exams... Yes...I am a master procrastinator hahaha.... I'm such a bad procrastinator that I put off thinking about putting it off til later.

So I'm gonna do something today that I haven't done in a while because someone asked me to do this song specifically. SONG RIPPING!

The song I'm doing today is none other than  Britney's "Baby One More Time"

Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
Oh baby baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now what we've got

Let's first start off with the obvious... Can Britney's outfit get ANY sluttier? I mean...anything less, and she's dancing around her highschool topless...
ANYWAY, I'm thinking that the guy she's referring to when she says "Oh baby baby" is probably deaf... I mean, she has to say it 3 times before she actually starts singing... And then she's second guessing herself by asking how she didn't realize that something wasn't right in their relationship. Well, I mean, other than being deaf...we'll get to the reasons why it wasn't working out...
And the poor deaf guy probably has ADHD too, bcz Britney has to keep on reminding him  that she's talking because she says "Oh baby baby" again...and again...and again... AND THEN she goes and says that she shouldn't have let him go. GET YOUR FUCKING STORY STRAIGHT! do you want him or not? OH! COOL! and the guy is invisible too because now he's "out of sight!" That's amazing! a deaf, ADHD invisible man! I want myself one of those! And now she wants him to "show her" what he's got... slut alert!

My loneliness is killing me
I must confess, I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time

Her loneliness is killing her? it's called masturbation... everyone does it...
And she loses her mind when he's not around? I have 10 words for the guy in this relationship : "get the fuck out of there! That chick is psycho!" Wow...Britney was psycho WAAAYYY before a coupe years ago... in this song she wants her man to beat the fuck out of her... and when the police ask, you say: "She begged for it, so I smacked her upside the head with a frying pan...she always liked it rough..."

Oh baby, baby
The reason I breathe is you
Boy you got me blinded
Oh baby, baby
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
That's not the way I planned it
Show me, how you want it to be
Tell me baby
'Cause I need to know now what we've got

Actually...up to this point, maybe I'm interpreting this song wrong... Maybe SHE'S in an abusive relationship... But Britney; the reason you breathe is because he hasn't hit you hard enough yet. Give her a good one and she'll stop breathing. And she has to keep on calling him to make sure he's listening...
There's nothing she wouldn't do.. hmm.. I'd take advantage of that if I were her boyfriend.... and then she asks you again to show her how you want it to be... Your girlfriend is a sex crazed nympho....you can have it any way you want! SCOOORE!

I must confess that my loneliness
Is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
That you will be here
And give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time 

You know Britney...with all this loneliness, if your fingers don't work...they make toys for umm.."lonely girls" you know the type... the fat, ugly bearded women who have a vast collection of cats both dead and alive.
And then she ends the song with one last plea to hit her... I don't know about you guys...but if she ever asked me to hit her, I'd jump in my car, drive far away, turn around, accelerate to my car's max speed and hit that bitch!

Well anyway... that's it for today.

I need more blog topics... so feel free to suggest anything!!!

Happy Groping!

BLOG FORTY!!!!!!!!!

I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW I KNOW....it seems like it's been YEARS since I posted a blog... Anyone who goes to my school and is in any of my classes knows that we have soo much shit to do in so little time... But whatever...I still have to make time for this I guess...Procrastination is a beautiful invention...

I decided to postpone my tacky things list for a later date to make place for today's blog. Stupid drivers.
I'm not gonna say that I'm a perfect driver....because I'm really not. But some fucking people out there think they're king shit of the fucking asphalt and do whatever the fuck they want.

Let's take exhibit A: People who don't use their signal lights.

First of all, FUCK YOU! Seriously, that little lever type-thing on the side of the wheel is there for a reason. It's really not that hard... A simple flick of the finger is enough to use it...  I mean... is it not enough that the poor person behind you has to slam on their brakes because you decide to turn without first notifying him/her? we're not ALL mind readers, so smarten the fuck up and use your signal asshole!

Secondly, how about people who suddenly forget how to drive at the first sign of snow!
Nothing pisses me off more than when it's barely even snowing, the roads are fine and some bitch is driving at 20 in an 80 zone with the wipers on full blast for the single snowflake that hits her windshield every 30 seconds.  You can see perfectly! There isn't even any snow on the road and you're driving like your car is carrying 12375691234785623478956978234659274569283745 eggs, 3 babies and 6 priceless paintings! Get the fuck off the road if you can't drive properly!

Also, let's move onto people who speed up when you're trying to pass them.
OH MY FUCK...seriously... I can't stand people like this... "I'm not trying to race you...I'm trying to pass your slow ass so I can get to my destination at a reasonable time" And it's just soooo much worse when you finally get into an overtaking lane (dotted line on a two lane highway), (these things don't go on forever you know) and the little bitch in the car ahead of you suddenly accelerates as you're trying to pass him/her and then ahead of you, oncoming is fucking Mac transport. FML.... back behind the bitch we go...

And finally, people who don't check their blindspots.
Once again, YOU DON'T OWN THE ROAD SHITHEAD! check around yourself! the first thing they teach you is check your blindspots! Stop fixing your hair in the mirror! You look like shit anyway! Take teh time to look around yourself fuck face! While your car might be shitty and repelling... not everyone's car is like that... We don;t exactly appreciate a huge gash in our cars either.

Well anyway...now that the year's coming to an end (euhm.... somewhat), I hope to write more for you!


Happy Groping!

Thirty-nine.

Hey blog buddies!

So, just a little tidbit of information, the sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog" contains all 26 letters of the alphabet!!!!! woot woot!


Anyway, today's topic is the first part of a two-part blog I will be making about tacky things that people are infatuated with. Beware, I won't go easy on the guilty pleasures we indulge in. 


Lawn Gnomes: Ok, I absolutely HAVE to start with these. "How to ruin a perfectly beautiful garden/flower bed? Put a fucking lawn gnome in it you fucktard!" Seriously! you can't get much creepier than placing little men in your garden, who, by the way, look absolutely riddiculous. If I ever saw someone wearing bright red cover-alls with a matching beanie, I would punch them in the fucking face. And if that person were in my garden creeping, I would go out and buy a gun.. I'm also not a fan that their height is advantageous for pube-sniffing. You never know when the little fucker's having a sniff!

People who think that a little perfume will cover up their funkyness: Seriously, it takes about 20 minutes to take a thorough shower, the 10 minutes you took dousing yourself in cheap perfume could have easily been spent on a bit of exfoliation. Smell isn't everything, WE CAN SEE YOU!!! When your hair forms dreadlocks all by itself, it probably means you should have taken a shower.... a fucking week ago! Seriously, when I see someone who looks like they just took a bath in Crisco but who smells like Channel #5, I think to myself "EW, I'll lend you my bathtub and bar of soap if you want..." (p.s. Keep the soap when you're done with it) And really, some people whould really attend some sort of seminar in regards to personal hygiene. For instance, lesson number 1: a shower does not consist of just wetting your hair, those bottles; they're shampoo! and lesson number 2: Soap is your friend! and so on and so forth.

Poorly matched foundation: Seriously, there's a difference between makeup that makes you look better and pure Oompa Loompa-ness. It's really not that hard to match your skin tone to a foundation pigment yet sooo many people look simply like the spokesperson for Tropicana. I'm gonna be completely honest here; you look worse orange than you would sans-makeup. 


Velour track-Suits: Oh fuck! Kill me now! P-Diddy called, he wants the pimp suit back, hoe! Let's face it, you look like a fucking fool! There are two possible explanations to these abominations: 1. You are sooo in love with your couch that you decided to make a matching jumpsuit from that same horrendous velvet, in which case I would label you as a genuine "shithead". 2. you're trying sooo hard to be all ghetto fabulous you actually look like white trailer-trash by the name of Bobbi-Jo.


Well anyway, that's all i can write tonight. Part two will come next time, stay tuned!


Happy Groping!

Blogs # 37 and 38

Hey Blog buddies!
I'm going to do two short blogs tonight....Just consider it an added bonus.
The first one is my take on something I saw before. I changed it up. It's REAAALLLYYY dry, so if you don't get it, don't worry.

Ten reasons people should be against gay marriage.

1) Being gay is not natural. Since when have natural things been accepted by society? Take polyester, or robotic arms or airplanes for example....

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around straight people will make you straight.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.That's why we have only one religion in Canada.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, and computers and such...

Second Blog:

Aloha! from the land of snow and sun. Like seriously what the fuck is up with this fucking weather? Snow one day and 20C the next... Attention: Mother Nature has gone bi-polar, please bring your umbrella, parka, short shorts and snow shovel to work with you today.

Anyway.. I'm going to talk about chatroulette....

For those of you who aren't familiar with what chat roulette is. Here's a link:  www.chatroulette.com I suggest not actually participating... Anyway, it's a site (I guess) where you can go and talk. TO ANYONE in the world... and you'll NEVER know who this person is. There's no name, no age, sex or location. So while you think you may be talking to some poor kid in Taiwan (and really, if you're naive enough to think that a poor kid in Taiwan has access to a computer, you don't deserve oxygen), you're probably talking to your ugly, old, saggy neighbor who is coincidentally pulling his pork (if you know what I mean) with his pants down at the computer. Oh! and did I mention that you have absolutely no choice of who you're going to talk to? So you don't have a choice between the pedophile, the schitzo or the legit normal person. It's like Russian roulette, but with sexual predators! Woto woot! So I suggest perhaps making a menu for you to chose what category of people you would like to talk to. I know, my MS paint skills need to be perfected, but it's just a try.

So essentially, the white boxes are the choices you have. I know! it's sooooooo hard to pick one! They all seem sooooo appealing! While you're at it, you might as well have just give away your identification and credit card numbers too! Fucking morons...

Happy Groping!

Thirty-sixth post

Hey blog buddies! 

I would like to start off by thanking the anonymous person who suggested today's topic!!! I can't believe I hadn't thought of it earlier! Either way, thank you anonymous. (Side note: I'm gonna name my kid Anonymous..... How awesome would that be???) (side note #2: "Tic-Tok on the clock" <---no shit Ke$ha! who knew that's the sound a clock makes!!!) Relationships.... Oh relationships...i have a feeling that you guys know exactly where I'm going with this... It probably won't be pretty.... For those in the "perfect" relationship; wake the fuck up and read this.

First of all, nobody's perfect. So whoever is saving themselves for Mr or Ms right; give it up and get laid already, who are you fooling? We all know you probably choke your chicken or tickle you turkey 5 times a day anyway.... Just saying.

And you know what's worse than all of that? PD-fucking-A's (public display of affection) There's nothing worse than going out somewhere with friends and seeing a young couple (or old...whatever works) sucking face! Like, mother fucker. Seriously, if we wanted to see that shit, we'd stay at home and download porn! Nobody wants to see you tongue jammed half-way down your girlfriend's/boyfriend's throat... very distasteful... You know what would be really funny and totally worth seeing?  If someone choked on the tongue invading their throat... I think that would be funny. I would laugh at them. Probably point and laugh...
Anyway, back on topic, another thing that bugs the shit out of me is when people go out for 3 hours and then they're saying "I love you" you do not! You're just happy cuz you got laid! That's not love, that's sex... There's a difference (sometimes...not always....hahaha) And really, I don't think you're in love with this guy/girl, but more the idea of this guy/girl in your bed, with you, naked. Then he'll/She'll break your heart, you'll cry your little heart out for a week because you were just "soooo fucking in love with him", you'll eat a few tubs of ice cream, cry because you're getting fat, watch sappy love stories and cry again... Notice a pattern? yep...STOP THE CRYING! you look dumb, pitiful and mascara is leaking...

AND finally (I'll make this brief...Glee is on in 20 minutes...), I have one thing to say to those (and I'm referring to the girls here...if guys say this, it's pretty creepy) who always call their friends "baby". It's annoying, soo dumb, totally fake and kinda makes me (and I'm sure countless others) want to punch you in the face. And it would probably be a punch-that-stupid-bitch-in-the-face kind of punch... just saying...

Anyway, I made you all a little representative sketch for today's blog.

Happy Groping!

Blog number thirty five

Hello blog buddies!

To answer to the prying people of Facebook which need not be named, I really don't have time to write every day anymore. As much as I'd love to, I just can't. Well, that and I'm kind of starting to run out of ideas a bit... Which is why I will keep on pushing you guys to give me blog topics. I can honesty write about anything, I just need something to get me started sometimes.

Today I will talk to you guys about the initial concept of some sports. This of course meaning what the sport actually is.

Let us start with Track running.  Let me demonstrate the concept:

Now.... run around this over and over while I time you. I don't know if you guys realize, but we laugh at people who run around in circles randomly... There's a word to describe people who do stuff like that.... (the word is mentally challenged)

But really.... REALLY REALLY REALLY think about it... you're just an idiot running in a circle over and over... Sorry, but there's such better ways to waste your energy...such a spinning in circles til you fall over. (which, by the way, never gets old!)

Second on the chopping block is basketball.

My first question is "Why is there no contact?" I mean really... you're bouncing a ball for Christ's sake! Why can't you push the guy! and Why do you have to dribble in the first place? Like, who wakes up in the morning and is all like: "you can't just HOLD the ball anymore!!! you have to bounce it like a retard from now on!" and I guess it might just be a good thing that you have to dribble the ball, because basketball would be just THAT much more boring. I mean, in all honesty, basketball is boring. It's pretty much the black people version of golf... get the ball in the whole, but since you're tall, get it into a vertical hole!

Which leads me to my next point: GOLF!
The first thing I need to point out is the unusually  small and funnily shaped ball. Sure, it's all round and shit, but what is the point of the little craters all over the ball?? Like honestly, do some people have so much free time on their hands that they much further complicate a  stupid game by creating little indentations all over a white ball? my mom says they add character... FUCK CHARACTER! If I wanted character, I'd play another sport mother fucker! And hitting a tiny ball with a stick? That's almost as exciting as knitting. And you ever notice how the announcers for golf are never excited? They probably hate their job. They probably hate their job as much as the greasy, pimply kid working the deep-fryer at McD's. Mind you, the golf announcer's probably getting a blow-job from the beer cart girl on the side, so....

And finally, to top off my list of amazingly dumb sports, wrestling

I swear I thought we had evolved from cavemen... really. First off, what's the point of two nearly naked men (well, virtually naked, those leotards leave nothing to the imagination) groping each other and throwing each other around. I mean first of all, you could get hurt, and who wants physical pain for themselves? DUH! Secondly, it's got to be the second gayest thing (next to being actually gay) in the world. I mean seriously, you have like men a littl ebit to be able to get all down and sweaty with them... but that's just my thoughts....


Anyway, that's all for tonight, I need you guys to help me with my future blogs so give me topics or ideas as a comment on this blog or any other blog, or on facebook or even through e-mail (skylertyson@hotmail.com)

Happy Groping!

Blog number thirty-four

Hey blog buddies! So you'll see here that I've changed my blog around a bit... I did it because, well, the old one was boring and I finally figured out how to efficiently use blogger.com. And why do I need to explain why I changed my blog appearance to you guys anyway??? I'm Skyler fucking Tyson! I can do whatever the fuck I want!

Anyway...after that brief rant.... I will introduce today's topic: Colonoscopies... yes, the dreaded colon scan performed on old-ish people (50 years or so). Anyway, before I scare the shit out of all of you, it's probably not as bad as it seems, so get them when your doctor tells you to!

So! let me explain the wonders of the colon to you first:

So gaining access to the colon require to pass from one of two ways:

Through the AAAAnus, or the mouth...obviously the anus is easier, which means that something, somehow, is gonna get shoved so far up there that you're not gonna be able to walk for 3 days. Well, that may be an exaggeration, but here's what the scope they shove up there looks like:





So anyway... now that I have you guys all primed up for this, here we go....

So after finally talking yourself/being dragged to the doctor's office for the pre-op, they make you leave with a prescription of Pico-Salax. Wonderful stuff. So anyway, before you start anything, I advise perhaps making sure you have a full day off with access to a bathroom. For about 24 hours, you are restricted to a strictly fluid diet. You're pretty much Ghandi for a full day. So you take your first dose of pico-salax, which is pretty much a package of salt emptied into a litre of water. Now, just trying to down a fucking litre of water is no easy feat. Try adding the essence of goat piss, tow fungus and urinal puck to the water and drinking the whole thing. So after about 20 minutes, you get a sudden urge to have a bowel movement. GET THE FUCK TO THE TOILET! Have you ever seen a space shuttle take off? Picture that propulsion coming out of your anus! Pico-salax is a fucking nuclear laxative! So you pretty much spend your whole day on the toilet expelling the contents of you body. Right when you think you're empty, *groans* UUUGGGHHH!!!!! there's more! Then you have to take another dose of pico-salax! FUCK LIFE!! You down another litre of goat piss and you're ready to go again. You shit your brains out for a while and just when you think you're completely empty and that there couldn't possibly be anything left, your bowels move to the future and start shitting out things you'll eat tomorrow and the next day!!! after a rather long night of "clear fruit juice" as a diet and the contents of your week-to-come's diet in the toilet, you start expelling clear liquid from your ass. How wonderful is that when your fully functional penis/vagina doesn't know what to do anymore because the asshole stole it's job??? So then you make your way happily and joyfully to the doctor's where he offers you a sedative.... TAKE IT MOTHER FUCKER! TAKE TWO!!! They shove that camera up your ass and take pictures of places you'll never see and sell them to perverts. Well, they don't sell them, but you never know....

Then you wake up and the whole thing's done and you leave with nothing but a little tickle in your ass....

Happy groping!

Thirty-third blog entry

Hey blog buddies!
Today's blog is dedicated to Kaylie, who made me write this, though I do take much pleasure writing about what I'm about to write about in the next mass of sentences which you are reading because you life is boring and you must spice it up with my amazing blog.

discretion note: I may get a little harsh this blog. If I offend you, go fuck yourself :) love yas!

Today's topic is Gabourey Sidibe (ya..the bitch from Precious...I cant even say her name....) 
Kaylie made me realize how frustrating this girl is... like for reaL!!!

Anyway, for those of you who don't know who this bitch is....well.... here's a pic...though I'm not sure if my blog will let me post it because, well, she ain't petite....

Yep... THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!

But like, she said she's proud of her curves and such.... which is okay... If only they were curves and not fucking dunkin' donut reserves.

I hope there's some kind of method behind her hugeness.... Like, perhaps she's planning a forty day trek through the desert, in which case the fat reserves are gonna hold her up for days... But then again, she'd die of heat trying to carry that fat ass more than 3 steps a day.

But seriously... being that large IS NOT GOOD! There are things you can do to lose a bit of massiveness.
Such as eating one hamburger instead of 23 big macs, 46 large fries, 8 orders of chicken nuggets and 3 super sized cokes.
Or walking down the stairs instead of rolling down the stairs. Or lifintg your feet instead of dragging your feet. Or maybe even chewing your food instead of swallowing it whole!!!

OH! and we're in the bus, on our way home from Pearson in TO and we're reading a tabloid (Star I think) and there's a picture of this dear lardass in there. Sure, you know, she's a star and all and maybe she deserves a spot in the tabloids, BUT THE BITCH TAKES UP TWO PAGES!!!!!!!! 2 PAGES FUCK! And I'm all like: "It's pretty sad that they couldn't even fit her whole body on two pages. It's only a picture of her upper half and it takes two pages. For a real picture, you'd need like poster size!"

And like, she's a star now so like, she can pay for procedures to get a little bit smaller. Like the dress she's wearing could make like 27 dresses for african children, but she's so big that she denies these girls prom dresses. I hope you feel bad Shamoo!

Well anyway, that's all for today. I probably won't write another blog until next week because I have a stupid essay to write, which I should have started like 3 weeks ago, but now it's due Friday and I have......an introduction. WOO ME!

Happy groping!

Thirty-second blog entry

Hey blog buddies!

Alas, this is the final instalment of my blog before I leave for the Dominican Republic tomorrow (OHMIGOSH! tomorrow!!!!). I would like to write about my preparation for this trip as it is quite fascinating to tell you the truth.

• March 2nd: Start packing!!! Getting things and lists together. google generic packing list as to not forget anything. Change list because it's not precise enough for my liking. Start measuring the suitcase to better determine how much room every different article of clothing will take and how to strategically place my items as to make the most of the room available.
• March 4th: Start folding the clothes according to the strict measurement guidelines I had set for each type of clothing.
• March 5th: Closed the suitcase.
• March 6th:Unpacked and repacked everything and cross-referenced my two lists.
• March 7th: Add a couple last minute purchases and remake lists while cross-referencing the two previous lists just to be sure.
• March 9th: Ziploc crazy! Go through all my stuff and put the important and the spillable stuff into ziploc bags. Went through 23 ziploc ags. FREEZER SIZE BABY!
• packed my carry-on bag. Complete with cosmo, people magazine and celeb trash mags with an addition of the Ipod and such.
• March 10th: Unpack and repack again. Everyting is in there now! complete with 3 pairs of flipflops, 9 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of jeans, 18 shirts, underwear and 3 pairs of socks, a pair of running shoes and probably more.. I don't have my list here so I'm probably forgetting something.
• March 11th (today): Probably not gonna sleep tonight, but it's okay because I'll be ready for this trip!

Anyway, I shall return with probably multiple great stories to share with you guys. I'd like to personally thank all of you for reading my blogs. It means alot and I enjoy taking time in my days to write for you guys. It not only lets me vent about anything, but I can share anything I want with yous and you can do FUCK ALL about it!

Love you bitches! See you in a week!

Happy groping!
  

Thirty first posting

Hey blog buddies. My name is Skyler, and I'll be your attendant for this flight. (makes seemingly obscene hand gestures, which actually mean something important like "oxygen masks are located above your heads" but really looks like "may need gas mask in case of severe stench". Well, I'm not actually a flight attendant, but I will be seeing one in 3 days! Yes, I know I shall be dearly missed for a whole week while I'm in the Dominican Republic, but I'll come back with some interesting stories to tell y'all when I return.

So for today's blog, I have decided to take a suggestion from someone (the same person who told me to make this blog actually!) to write a blog about penises. yes, penises.

I'm not to sure what to write about so let's do a little googling.... (please don't look through my history mom...mind you, it wouldn't exactly be a surprise...)

Did you know that there are 2 different types of penises? Yes, I lie not! 2 different penises! A grower and shower... a grower is someone who increases in length and/or girth when having an erection. However, a shower is someone who is rather large before erection, but who stays about the same length/girth when hard. WHO KNEW?

The most common cause for of penile rupture (OUCH FUCK!)  is too vigorous masturbation... Well, some people like it rough...I guess it's worth the sacrifice....

OH! interesting fact... Polish men have, on average slightly larger penises in the world... I don't know, but to me, that kinda sounds funny... Polish men and large dicks.... POLE-ish men have large penises... hehe.

YOU CAN BREAK YOUR PENIS!!! it's possible!!! while there are no bones in your dick, you can still "break it" Apparently you hear some kind of audible pop or snap (shudders)  and your penis turns black and blue and hurts.... hahaha! the advice to avoid penis "breaking": don't use your penis too roughly....A common way that penile fracture happens, is when a man is thrusting too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves wildly while on top of a man during sex can break a man's penis.

OH! and your penis does have a mind of its own... If it gets hard at a random moment for no apparent reason, that bitch ain't going down! You just really can't think about it. If you do, it'll stay there until you die... or until you..um.. play with it. (know what I'm sayin'?)

Wow... as if I just wrote a whole blog about penises.... Oh well, I learned a couple things along the way...

Happy Groping!

Thrtieth blog

WOW! Thirty blogs since I started this whole thing. Kind of awesome...


Anyway, I figured I'd do a little backtracking and tell you about a couple of funny events to happen in my life this past little while.

So I'm at work right? Hard to believe, I know! Anyway, So I'm at work and this customer comes in and somehow we got to talking about Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (which are fan-fucking-tabulous by the way) and then she goes on to say how good they were... Anyway, I just HAVE to replay this conversation for you guys:

Woman: "OHMYGOSH! Those Kripsy Kreme Doughnuts are to die for!"

me: "ya, they are amazing!"

Woman: "They're just so delicious, but jam packed with calories!"

Me:"SSHHHH!!! don't say the "c" word!"

Woman: "I didn't say the "c" word!"

Me: "yes you did! you said calories!"

Woman: "Calories starts with a "C", I thought it started with a 'K'?"

(at this point I wanted to cause her physical harm)

Me: "Umm.. no..... it starts with a "C"...trust me"

Woman: "Oh! I never knew!"

Like, oh my god. Honestly, how can you not know how to spell calories. THE WORD IS WRITTEN ON EVERY FOOD ITEM YOU EAT! BITCH SUCK! I wanted to sit her down and tell her that phone has a "ph" and not an "f" and that key is spelled K-E-Y and not K-I... What is this world coming to when a simple human being (and she wasn't even blonde! she can't even use that as an excuse!) can't even regurgitate the word she sees every time she opens a package.

Well anyway...that was quite the rant... But of course, you're talking to the guy that corrects people when they misuse Seen when it should be saw and I instead of me... (ahem...Liane)

OH! and speaking of Liane... we're sitting at lunch yesterday and this is the conversation that ensues...

(random chatter about somewhat intelligent lunch topic)

Liane (from nowhere): "hey guys! do you guys remember those inflatable plastic things. You know, there were those weights at the bottom and you had to punch them and they bounced back up so you can punch them again?"

Everyone, in unison: "YA!..."

Liane: "Those were fun eh?"

-end of conversation-

everyone else: "umm... ya...." (waiting for more to be said)

-random silence-


Oh Liane, I'm here for you, just remember that ok!

Well anyway, that's all I can remember at the moment, I'll write some more tomorrow


Happy groping!

Twenty-Ninth blog post

Hey bllog buddies!
Well I guess I'll start making time to write more blogs for you gals and gents. School and life in general has been beyond hell right now. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. compain complain complain...FML FML FML  RRRAAAGGGE RAAAAGGGGGEEEE RRRAAGGGEEEE....

So anyway, I guess it`s time to do a little song ripping. I know you've definitely missed my rants about absurd song lyrics.

This week's song is:­ Like a Vrigin. by Madonna.

Well I guess I'll start making time to write more blogs for you gals and gents. School and life in general has been beyond hell right now. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. complain complain complain...FML FML FML RRRAAAGGGE RAAAAGGGGGEEEE RRRAAGGGEEEE....




So anyway, I guess it’s time to do a little song ripping. I know you've definitely missed my rants about absurd song lyrics.



This week's song is:¬ “Like a Virgin” by Madonna.



I’d like to start off by saying that Madonna doesn’t know what she’s talking about…She was never a virgin. We all know that.



Anyway,

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

So we start off with a mental picture of Tarzan and Madonna swinging from vines and shit through the Amazon. And I wonder how Madonna managed to even get through the “wilderness” on her own. Just a side note, when Madonna says wilderness and virgin in the same song, it coincidentally reminds me of pubic hair….. And then when she meets Tarzan and realizes he likes her, she realizes that Tarzan doesn’t want to get lost in her everlasting forest (bush) and so when she finds Tarzan, she discovers personal hygiene. BY THE WAY: nobody likes to go down on a rainforest.

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

And then Madonna has to explain that she was alone and pitiful, which I highly doubt because she’s had more rides than that mechanical horse outside Wal-Mart. Anyway, she explains that he makes her feel shiny and new…(shaves her bush)

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine

I still don’t understand how Madonna knows what a virgin feels like….

And a virgin being touched for the first time? Well, that’s self-explanatory… SHE GOT LAID! And then she goes on to talk about the after-math of sex when you lay down beside each other to go to sleep because the sex was probably so boring that he had trouble just staying awake during the whole ordeal.

Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last

Sex isn’t love… just saying. And giving him all your love means you have to make his lunch everyday for work…are you up to that Madonna? Didn’t think so. And I know you think you’re in love, but this guy is probably gonna get bored of your flat body. No wonder Madonna has to wear a cone bra… she’s got a negative cup size! She’s so flat the walls are jealous.

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Of course he’s fine… you lost your v-card to this guy… Sex is wonderful isn’t it Madonna? Well, I guess I don’t have to ask you that…. And quite honestly… I don’t even understand what’s going on here. She’s talking about being hot and cold and thawing out his love… WHY IS HIS DICK FROZEN??? That’s some weird shit right there.

Oooh, oooh, oooh

Yep....sex moans.

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

More sex moans… keeps on insinuating virginity… blah blah blah..ou la la…. Sexy time sexy time…

And of course it feels good inside you idiot! It’s sex! And just to let you know, his heart isn’t beating because he loves you, his heart is beating because you just had sex…. Just saying. He’s probably gonna dump your ass when he gets bored of you.

Don't be strangers!

Happy groping