Fifth post

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger...

I guess he learned fast that money buys hookers... and alot of money buys good hookers (not those diseased ones you see struttin their cabooses on Elm street). So his wife finds out right, and goes all Ape shit on him... Apparently she's one of those:"If you don't want me, you can't have anybody" type wives... You know the kind... the ones that try and castrate you while you sleep and then try to sell the severage on Ebay for oodles and caboodles of dollars... Yep...the life of a millionnaire. And let us just think of why he's rich in the first place. He plays Golf! that's like saying someone who knits should be a millionnaire. I mean, the sport is considered one for retirees, and so is knitting, sleeping, bringing-your-favortie-item-on-the-antique-roadshow-to-realize-it's-worth-next-to-nothing-and-getting-it-all-on-camera-just-so-everyone-else-in-the-world-can-see-the-priceless-look-on-your-face. So.... we should award huge amounts of money, green blazers(which are really ugly might I add), and big shiny trophies to winners in all these activities, because they are, after all, activites and not sports. I mean, if you can consider swinging a 8-10 pound stick to hit a minuscule ball a big money sport, then we have to consider drive-through ordering, gingerbread house decorating, Scrabble and Monopoly as part of the "I become rich and famous by doing simple actions" group.

Oh! and how did this whole Tiger woods dilema start? Over a car crash. Apparently when you get in an accident, you have to tell the world every single one of your sins.  Like BANG! "Oh shit.. k, I'm sorry I stole the cookies from the cookie jar, I cheated on my wife, I lied, I killed someone, I stole something..." and you just have to sit there in front of a camera and microphone for days and days saying all of your sins so that every person watching can judge you. And apparently if you forget something, your wife comes  after you and tries to kill you. NICE! (side note: first sign of snow and people have their snowmachines out already... there's barely any snow fuck-face! go put your little toy away before you  hurt yourself!... IDIOT!) anyway..

So this Rachel chick (the girl Tiger was having an affair with) was supposed to do a press conference right. And apparently, Tiger paid her $1 000 000 to not do it. Seriously, if I was in that situation, I would make him pay more... FUCK! take him for all he's got! House and all!

Hell, I'd even pretend to have an affair with Tiger for a million bucks! Easiest money of my life! Of course, I'd be seen as a skank for the rest of my life, but who gives a shit! I've got a million of Tiger Woods' dollars! I'd wipe my ass with $100 bills! (for a little while anyway)

So, thinking about having a million dollars, here's what I would buy:

1. NIIIICEEEE car!
2. Big ole house with a tiger as a front gate guard
3. A monkey
4. Mechanical Bull
5. lifetime supply of Q-Tips
6. A special parking spot for me at school
7. A big ass sign that says "I'm rich, bitch!"
8. A small donation to charity (of course, only after I've bought everything I wanted)

Well, I guess that's it for today... See you guys tomorrow!

Happy Groping!