Blog number thirty-four

Hey blog buddies! So you'll see here that I've changed my blog around a bit... I did it because, well, the old one was boring and I finally figured out how to efficiently use blogger.com. And why do I need to explain why I changed my blog appearance to you guys anyway??? I'm Skyler fucking Tyson! I can do whatever the fuck I want!

Anyway...after that brief rant.... I will introduce today's topic: Colonoscopies... yes, the dreaded colon scan performed on old-ish people (50 years or so). Anyway, before I scare the shit out of all of you, it's probably not as bad as it seems, so get them when your doctor tells you to!

So! let me explain the wonders of the colon to you first:

So gaining access to the colon require to pass from one of two ways:

Through the AAAAnus, or the mouth...obviously the anus is easier, which means that something, somehow, is gonna get shoved so far up there that you're not gonna be able to walk for 3 days. Well, that may be an exaggeration, but here's what the scope they shove up there looks like:





So anyway... now that I have you guys all primed up for this, here we go....

So after finally talking yourself/being dragged to the doctor's office for the pre-op, they make you leave with a prescription of Pico-Salax. Wonderful stuff. So anyway, before you start anything, I advise perhaps making sure you have a full day off with access to a bathroom. For about 24 hours, you are restricted to a strictly fluid diet. You're pretty much Ghandi for a full day. So you take your first dose of pico-salax, which is pretty much a package of salt emptied into a litre of water. Now, just trying to down a fucking litre of water is no easy feat. Try adding the essence of goat piss, tow fungus and urinal puck to the water and drinking the whole thing. So after about 20 minutes, you get a sudden urge to have a bowel movement. GET THE FUCK TO THE TOILET! Have you ever seen a space shuttle take off? Picture that propulsion coming out of your anus! Pico-salax is a fucking nuclear laxative! So you pretty much spend your whole day on the toilet expelling the contents of you body. Right when you think you're empty, *groans* UUUGGGHHH!!!!! there's more! Then you have to take another dose of pico-salax! FUCK LIFE!! You down another litre of goat piss and you're ready to go again. You shit your brains out for a while and just when you think you're completely empty and that there couldn't possibly be anything left, your bowels move to the future and start shitting out things you'll eat tomorrow and the next day!!! after a rather long night of "clear fruit juice" as a diet and the contents of your week-to-come's diet in the toilet, you start expelling clear liquid from your ass. How wonderful is that when your fully functional penis/vagina doesn't know what to do anymore because the asshole stole it's job??? So then you make your way happily and joyfully to the doctor's where he offers you a sedative.... TAKE IT MOTHER FUCKER! TAKE TWO!!! They shove that camera up your ass and take pictures of places you'll never see and sell them to perverts. Well, they don't sell them, but you never know....

Then you wake up and the whole thing's done and you leave with nothing but a little tickle in your ass....

Happy groping!

Thirty-third blog entry

Hey blog buddies!
Today's blog is dedicated to Kaylie, who made me write this, though I do take much pleasure writing about what I'm about to write about in the next mass of sentences which you are reading because you life is boring and you must spice it up with my amazing blog.

discretion note: I may get a little harsh this blog. If I offend you, go fuck yourself :) love yas!

Today's topic is Gabourey Sidibe (ya..the bitch from Precious...I cant even say her name....) 
Kaylie made me realize how frustrating this girl is... like for reaL!!!

Anyway, for those of you who don't know who this bitch is....well.... here's a pic...though I'm not sure if my blog will let me post it because, well, she ain't petite....

Yep... THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!

But like, she said she's proud of her curves and such.... which is okay... If only they were curves and not fucking dunkin' donut reserves.

I hope there's some kind of method behind her hugeness.... Like, perhaps she's planning a forty day trek through the desert, in which case the fat reserves are gonna hold her up for days... But then again, she'd die of heat trying to carry that fat ass more than 3 steps a day.

But seriously... being that large IS NOT GOOD! There are things you can do to lose a bit of massiveness.
Such as eating one hamburger instead of 23 big macs, 46 large fries, 8 orders of chicken nuggets and 3 super sized cokes.
Or walking down the stairs instead of rolling down the stairs. Or lifintg your feet instead of dragging your feet. Or maybe even chewing your food instead of swallowing it whole!!!

OH! and we're in the bus, on our way home from Pearson in TO and we're reading a tabloid (Star I think) and there's a picture of this dear lardass in there. Sure, you know, she's a star and all and maybe she deserves a spot in the tabloids, BUT THE BITCH TAKES UP TWO PAGES!!!!!!!! 2 PAGES FUCK! And I'm all like: "It's pretty sad that they couldn't even fit her whole body on two pages. It's only a picture of her upper half and it takes two pages. For a real picture, you'd need like poster size!"

And like, she's a star now so like, she can pay for procedures to get a little bit smaller. Like the dress she's wearing could make like 27 dresses for african children, but she's so big that she denies these girls prom dresses. I hope you feel bad Shamoo!

Well anyway, that's all for today. I probably won't write another blog until next week because I have a stupid essay to write, which I should have started like 3 weeks ago, but now it's due Friday and I have......an introduction. WOO ME!

Happy groping!

Thirty-second blog entry

Hey blog buddies!

Alas, this is the final instalment of my blog before I leave for the Dominican Republic tomorrow (OHMIGOSH! tomorrow!!!!). I would like to write about my preparation for this trip as it is quite fascinating to tell you the truth.

• March 2nd: Start packing!!! Getting things and lists together. google generic packing list as to not forget anything. Change list because it's not precise enough for my liking. Start measuring the suitcase to better determine how much room every different article of clothing will take and how to strategically place my items as to make the most of the room available.
• March 4th: Start folding the clothes according to the strict measurement guidelines I had set for each type of clothing.
• March 5th: Closed the suitcase.
• March 6th:Unpacked and repacked everything and cross-referenced my two lists.
• March 7th: Add a couple last minute purchases and remake lists while cross-referencing the two previous lists just to be sure.
• March 9th: Ziploc crazy! Go through all my stuff and put the important and the spillable stuff into ziploc bags. Went through 23 ziploc ags. FREEZER SIZE BABY!
• packed my carry-on bag. Complete with cosmo, people magazine and celeb trash mags with an addition of the Ipod and such.
• March 10th: Unpack and repack again. Everyting is in there now! complete with 3 pairs of flipflops, 9 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of jeans, 18 shirts, underwear and 3 pairs of socks, a pair of running shoes and probably more.. I don't have my list here so I'm probably forgetting something.
• March 11th (today): Probably not gonna sleep tonight, but it's okay because I'll be ready for this trip!

Anyway, I shall return with probably multiple great stories to share with you guys. I'd like to personally thank all of you for reading my blogs. It means alot and I enjoy taking time in my days to write for you guys. It not only lets me vent about anything, but I can share anything I want with yous and you can do FUCK ALL about it!

Love you bitches! See you in a week!

Happy groping!