Thirty first posting

Hey blog buddies. My name is Skyler, and I'll be your attendant for this flight. (makes seemingly obscene hand gestures, which actually mean something important like "oxygen masks are located above your heads" but really looks like "may need gas mask in case of severe stench". Well, I'm not actually a flight attendant, but I will be seeing one in 3 days! Yes, I know I shall be dearly missed for a whole week while I'm in the Dominican Republic, but I'll come back with some interesting stories to tell y'all when I return.

So for today's blog, I have decided to take a suggestion from someone (the same person who told me to make this blog actually!) to write a blog about penises. yes, penises.

I'm not to sure what to write about so let's do a little googling.... (please don't look through my history mom...mind you, it wouldn't exactly be a surprise...)

Did you know that there are 2 different types of penises? Yes, I lie not! 2 different penises! A grower and shower... a grower is someone who increases in length and/or girth when having an erection. However, a shower is someone who is rather large before erection, but who stays about the same length/girth when hard. WHO KNEW?

The most common cause for of penile rupture (OUCH FUCK!)  is too vigorous masturbation... Well, some people like it rough...I guess it's worth the sacrifice....

OH! interesting fact... Polish men have, on average slightly larger penises in the world... I don't know, but to me, that kinda sounds funny... Polish men and large dicks.... POLE-ish men have large penises... hehe.

YOU CAN BREAK YOUR PENIS!!! it's possible!!! while there are no bones in your dick, you can still "break it" Apparently you hear some kind of audible pop or snap (shudders)  and your penis turns black and blue and hurts.... hahaha! the advice to avoid penis "breaking": don't use your penis too roughly....A common way that penile fracture happens, is when a man is thrusting too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves wildly while on top of a man during sex can break a man's penis.

OH! and your penis does have a mind of its own... If it gets hard at a random moment for no apparent reason, that bitch ain't going down! You just really can't think about it. If you do, it'll stay there until you die... or until you..um.. play with it. (know what I'm sayin'?)

Wow... as if I just wrote a whole blog about penises.... Oh well, I learned a couple things along the way...

Happy Groping!

Thrtieth blog

WOW! Thirty blogs since I started this whole thing. Kind of awesome...


Anyway, I figured I'd do a little backtracking and tell you about a couple of funny events to happen in my life this past little while.

So I'm at work right? Hard to believe, I know! Anyway, So I'm at work and this customer comes in and somehow we got to talking about Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (which are fan-fucking-tabulous by the way) and then she goes on to say how good they were... Anyway, I just HAVE to replay this conversation for you guys:

Woman: "OHMYGOSH! Those Kripsy Kreme Doughnuts are to die for!"

me: "ya, they are amazing!"

Woman: "They're just so delicious, but jam packed with calories!"

Me:"SSHHHH!!! don't say the "c" word!"

Woman: "I didn't say the "c" word!"

Me: "yes you did! you said calories!"

Woman: "Calories starts with a "C", I thought it started with a 'K'?"

(at this point I wanted to cause her physical harm)

Me: "Umm.. no..... it starts with a "C"...trust me"

Woman: "Oh! I never knew!"

Like, oh my god. Honestly, how can you not know how to spell calories. THE WORD IS WRITTEN ON EVERY FOOD ITEM YOU EAT! BITCH SUCK! I wanted to sit her down and tell her that phone has a "ph" and not an "f" and that key is spelled K-E-Y and not K-I... What is this world coming to when a simple human being (and she wasn't even blonde! she can't even use that as an excuse!) can't even regurgitate the word she sees every time she opens a package.

Well anyway...that was quite the rant... But of course, you're talking to the guy that corrects people when they misuse Seen when it should be saw and I instead of me... (ahem...Liane)

OH! and speaking of Liane... we're sitting at lunch yesterday and this is the conversation that ensues...

(random chatter about somewhat intelligent lunch topic)

Liane (from nowhere): "hey guys! do you guys remember those inflatable plastic things. You know, there were those weights at the bottom and you had to punch them and they bounced back up so you can punch them again?"

Everyone, in unison: "YA!..."

Liane: "Those were fun eh?"

-end of conversation-

everyone else: "umm... ya...." (waiting for more to be said)

-random silence-


Oh Liane, I'm here for you, just remember that ok!

Well anyway, that's all I can remember at the moment, I'll write some more tomorrow


Happy groping!

Twenty-Ninth blog post

Hey bllog buddies!
Well I guess I'll start making time to write more blogs for you gals and gents. School and life in general has been beyond hell right now. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. compain complain complain...FML FML FML  RRRAAAGGGE RAAAAGGGGGEEEE RRRAAGGGEEEE....

So anyway, I guess it`s time to do a little song ripping. I know you've definitely missed my rants about absurd song lyrics.

This week's song is:­ Like a Vrigin. by Madonna.

Well I guess I'll start making time to write more blogs for you gals and gents. School and life in general has been beyond hell right now. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. complain complain complain...FML FML FML RRRAAAGGGE RAAAAGGGGGEEEE RRRAAGGGEEEE....




So anyway, I guess it’s time to do a little song ripping. I know you've definitely missed my rants about absurd song lyrics.



This week's song is:¬ “Like a Virgin” by Madonna.



I’d like to start off by saying that Madonna doesn’t know what she’s talking about…She was never a virgin. We all know that.



Anyway,

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

So we start off with a mental picture of Tarzan and Madonna swinging from vines and shit through the Amazon. And I wonder how Madonna managed to even get through the “wilderness” on her own. Just a side note, when Madonna says wilderness and virgin in the same song, it coincidentally reminds me of pubic hair….. And then when she meets Tarzan and realizes he likes her, she realizes that Tarzan doesn’t want to get lost in her everlasting forest (bush) and so when she finds Tarzan, she discovers personal hygiene. BY THE WAY: nobody likes to go down on a rainforest.

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

And then Madonna has to explain that she was alone and pitiful, which I highly doubt because she’s had more rides than that mechanical horse outside Wal-Mart. Anyway, she explains that he makes her feel shiny and new…(shaves her bush)

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine

I still don’t understand how Madonna knows what a virgin feels like….

And a virgin being touched for the first time? Well, that’s self-explanatory… SHE GOT LAID! And then she goes on to talk about the after-math of sex when you lay down beside each other to go to sleep because the sex was probably so boring that he had trouble just staying awake during the whole ordeal.

Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last

Sex isn’t love… just saying. And giving him all your love means you have to make his lunch everyday for work…are you up to that Madonna? Didn’t think so. And I know you think you’re in love, but this guy is probably gonna get bored of your flat body. No wonder Madonna has to wear a cone bra… she’s got a negative cup size! She’s so flat the walls are jealous.

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Of course he’s fine… you lost your v-card to this guy… Sex is wonderful isn’t it Madonna? Well, I guess I don’t have to ask you that…. And quite honestly… I don’t even understand what’s going on here. She’s talking about being hot and cold and thawing out his love… WHY IS HIS DICK FROZEN??? That’s some weird shit right there.

Oooh, oooh, oooh

Yep....sex moans.

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

More sex moans… keeps on insinuating virginity… blah blah blah..ou la la…. Sexy time sexy time…

And of course it feels good inside you idiot! It’s sex! And just to let you know, his heart isn’t beating because he loves you, his heart is beating because you just had sex…. Just saying. He’s probably gonna dump your ass when he gets bored of you.

Don't be strangers!

Happy groping