Blog number thirty-four

Hey blog buddies! So you'll see here that I've changed my blog around a bit... I did it because, well, the old one was boring and I finally figured out how to efficiently use blogger.com. And why do I need to explain why I changed my blog appearance to you guys anyway??? I'm Skyler fucking Tyson! I can do whatever the fuck I want!

Anyway...after that brief rant.... I will introduce today's topic: Colonoscopies... yes, the dreaded colon scan performed on old-ish people (50 years or so). Anyway, before I scare the shit out of all of you, it's probably not as bad as it seems, so get them when your doctor tells you to!

So! let me explain the wonders of the colon to you first:

So gaining access to the colon require to pass from one of two ways:

Through the AAAAnus, or the mouth...obviously the anus is easier, which means that something, somehow, is gonna get shoved so far up there that you're not gonna be able to walk for 3 days. Well, that may be an exaggeration, but here's what the scope they shove up there looks like:





So anyway... now that I have you guys all primed up for this, here we go....

So after finally talking yourself/being dragged to the doctor's office for the pre-op, they make you leave with a prescription of Pico-Salax. Wonderful stuff. So anyway, before you start anything, I advise perhaps making sure you have a full day off with access to a bathroom. For about 24 hours, you are restricted to a strictly fluid diet. You're pretty much Ghandi for a full day. So you take your first dose of pico-salax, which is pretty much a package of salt emptied into a litre of water. Now, just trying to down a fucking litre of water is no easy feat. Try adding the essence of goat piss, tow fungus and urinal puck to the water and drinking the whole thing. So after about 20 minutes, you get a sudden urge to have a bowel movement. GET THE FUCK TO THE TOILET! Have you ever seen a space shuttle take off? Picture that propulsion coming out of your anus! Pico-salax is a fucking nuclear laxative! So you pretty much spend your whole day on the toilet expelling the contents of you body. Right when you think you're empty, *groans* UUUGGGHHH!!!!! there's more! Then you have to take another dose of pico-salax! FUCK LIFE!! You down another litre of goat piss and you're ready to go again. You shit your brains out for a while and just when you think you're completely empty and that there couldn't possibly be anything left, your bowels move to the future and start shitting out things you'll eat tomorrow and the next day!!! after a rather long night of "clear fruit juice" as a diet and the contents of your week-to-come's diet in the toilet, you start expelling clear liquid from your ass. How wonderful is that when your fully functional penis/vagina doesn't know what to do anymore because the asshole stole it's job??? So then you make your way happily and joyfully to the doctor's where he offers you a sedative.... TAKE IT MOTHER FUCKER! TAKE TWO!!! They shove that camera up your ass and take pictures of places you'll never see and sell them to perverts. Well, they don't sell them, but you never know....

Then you wake up and the whole thing's done and you leave with nothing but a little tickle in your ass....

Happy groping!

Thirty-third blog entry

Hey blog buddies!
Today's blog is dedicated to Kaylie, who made me write this, though I do take much pleasure writing about what I'm about to write about in the next mass of sentences which you are reading because you life is boring and you must spice it up with my amazing blog.

discretion note: I may get a little harsh this blog. If I offend you, go fuck yourself :) love yas!

Today's topic is Gabourey Sidibe (ya..the bitch from Precious...I cant even say her name....) 
Kaylie made me realize how frustrating this girl is... like for reaL!!!

Anyway, for those of you who don't know who this bitch is....well.... here's a pic...though I'm not sure if my blog will let me post it because, well, she ain't petite....

Yep... THAT'S A HUGE BITCH!

But like, she said she's proud of her curves and such.... which is okay... If only they were curves and not fucking dunkin' donut reserves.

I hope there's some kind of method behind her hugeness.... Like, perhaps she's planning a forty day trek through the desert, in which case the fat reserves are gonna hold her up for days... But then again, she'd die of heat trying to carry that fat ass more than 3 steps a day.

But seriously... being that large IS NOT GOOD! There are things you can do to lose a bit of massiveness.
Such as eating one hamburger instead of 23 big macs, 46 large fries, 8 orders of chicken nuggets and 3 super sized cokes.
Or walking down the stairs instead of rolling down the stairs. Or lifintg your feet instead of dragging your feet. Or maybe even chewing your food instead of swallowing it whole!!!

OH! and we're in the bus, on our way home from Pearson in TO and we're reading a tabloid (Star I think) and there's a picture of this dear lardass in there. Sure, you know, she's a star and all and maybe she deserves a spot in the tabloids, BUT THE BITCH TAKES UP TWO PAGES!!!!!!!! 2 PAGES FUCK! And I'm all like: "It's pretty sad that they couldn't even fit her whole body on two pages. It's only a picture of her upper half and it takes two pages. For a real picture, you'd need like poster size!"

And like, she's a star now so like, she can pay for procedures to get a little bit smaller. Like the dress she's wearing could make like 27 dresses for african children, but she's so big that she denies these girls prom dresses. I hope you feel bad Shamoo!

Well anyway, that's all for today. I probably won't write another blog until next week because I have a stupid essay to write, which I should have started like 3 weeks ago, but now it's due Friday and I have......an introduction. WOO ME!

Happy groping!

Thirty-second blog entry

Hey blog buddies!

Alas, this is the final instalment of my blog before I leave for the Dominican Republic tomorrow (OHMIGOSH! tomorrow!!!!). I would like to write about my preparation for this trip as it is quite fascinating to tell you the truth.

• March 2nd: Start packing!!! Getting things and lists together. google generic packing list as to not forget anything. Change list because it's not precise enough for my liking. Start measuring the suitcase to better determine how much room every different article of clothing will take and how to strategically place my items as to make the most of the room available.
• March 4th: Start folding the clothes according to the strict measurement guidelines I had set for each type of clothing.
• March 5th: Closed the suitcase.
• March 6th:Unpacked and repacked everything and cross-referenced my two lists.
• March 7th: Add a couple last minute purchases and remake lists while cross-referencing the two previous lists just to be sure.
• March 9th: Ziploc crazy! Go through all my stuff and put the important and the spillable stuff into ziploc bags. Went through 23 ziploc ags. FREEZER SIZE BABY!
• packed my carry-on bag. Complete with cosmo, people magazine and celeb trash mags with an addition of the Ipod and such.
• March 10th: Unpack and repack again. Everyting is in there now! complete with 3 pairs of flipflops, 9 pairs of shorts, 2 pairs of jeans, 18 shirts, underwear and 3 pairs of socks, a pair of running shoes and probably more.. I don't have my list here so I'm probably forgetting something.
• March 11th (today): Probably not gonna sleep tonight, but it's okay because I'll be ready for this trip!

Anyway, I shall return with probably multiple great stories to share with you guys. I'd like to personally thank all of you for reading my blogs. It means alot and I enjoy taking time in my days to write for you guys. It not only lets me vent about anything, but I can share anything I want with yous and you can do FUCK ALL about it!

Love you bitches! See you in a week!

Happy groping!
  

Thirty first posting

Hey blog buddies. My name is Skyler, and I'll be your attendant for this flight. (makes seemingly obscene hand gestures, which actually mean something important like "oxygen masks are located above your heads" but really looks like "may need gas mask in case of severe stench". Well, I'm not actually a flight attendant, but I will be seeing one in 3 days! Yes, I know I shall be dearly missed for a whole week while I'm in the Dominican Republic, but I'll come back with some interesting stories to tell y'all when I return.

So for today's blog, I have decided to take a suggestion from someone (the same person who told me to make this blog actually!) to write a blog about penises. yes, penises.

I'm not to sure what to write about so let's do a little googling.... (please don't look through my history mom...mind you, it wouldn't exactly be a surprise...)

Did you know that there are 2 different types of penises? Yes, I lie not! 2 different penises! A grower and shower... a grower is someone who increases in length and/or girth when having an erection. However, a shower is someone who is rather large before erection, but who stays about the same length/girth when hard. WHO KNEW?

The most common cause for of penile rupture (OUCH FUCK!)  is too vigorous masturbation... Well, some people like it rough...I guess it's worth the sacrifice....

OH! interesting fact... Polish men have, on average slightly larger penises in the world... I don't know, but to me, that kinda sounds funny... Polish men and large dicks.... POLE-ish men have large penises... hehe.

YOU CAN BREAK YOUR PENIS!!! it's possible!!! while there are no bones in your dick, you can still "break it" Apparently you hear some kind of audible pop or snap (shudders)  and your penis turns black and blue and hurts.... hahaha! the advice to avoid penis "breaking": don't use your penis too roughly....A common way that penile fracture happens, is when a man is thrusting too hard and fast during sex, and slams into his partner's pubic bone. Also, a woman who moves wildly while on top of a man during sex can break a man's penis.

OH! and your penis does have a mind of its own... If it gets hard at a random moment for no apparent reason, that bitch ain't going down! You just really can't think about it. If you do, it'll stay there until you die... or until you..um.. play with it. (know what I'm sayin'?)

Wow... as if I just wrote a whole blog about penises.... Oh well, I learned a couple things along the way...

Happy Groping!

Thrtieth blog

WOW! Thirty blogs since I started this whole thing. Kind of awesome...


Anyway, I figured I'd do a little backtracking and tell you about a couple of funny events to happen in my life this past little while.

So I'm at work right? Hard to believe, I know! Anyway, So I'm at work and this customer comes in and somehow we got to talking about Krispy Kreme Doughnuts (which are fan-fucking-tabulous by the way) and then she goes on to say how good they were... Anyway, I just HAVE to replay this conversation for you guys:

Woman: "OHMYGOSH! Those Kripsy Kreme Doughnuts are to die for!"

me: "ya, they are amazing!"

Woman: "They're just so delicious, but jam packed with calories!"

Me:"SSHHHH!!! don't say the "c" word!"

Woman: "I didn't say the "c" word!"

Me: "yes you did! you said calories!"

Woman: "Calories starts with a "C", I thought it started with a 'K'?"

(at this point I wanted to cause her physical harm)

Me: "Umm.. no..... it starts with a "C"...trust me"

Woman: "Oh! I never knew!"

Like, oh my god. Honestly, how can you not know how to spell calories. THE WORD IS WRITTEN ON EVERY FOOD ITEM YOU EAT! BITCH SUCK! I wanted to sit her down and tell her that phone has a "ph" and not an "f" and that key is spelled K-E-Y and not K-I... What is this world coming to when a simple human being (and she wasn't even blonde! she can't even use that as an excuse!) can't even regurgitate the word she sees every time she opens a package.

Well anyway...that was quite the rant... But of course, you're talking to the guy that corrects people when they misuse Seen when it should be saw and I instead of me... (ahem...Liane)

OH! and speaking of Liane... we're sitting at lunch yesterday and this is the conversation that ensues...

(random chatter about somewhat intelligent lunch topic)

Liane (from nowhere): "hey guys! do you guys remember those inflatable plastic things. You know, there were those weights at the bottom and you had to punch them and they bounced back up so you can punch them again?"

Everyone, in unison: "YA!..."

Liane: "Those were fun eh?"

-end of conversation-

everyone else: "umm... ya...." (waiting for more to be said)

-random silence-


Oh Liane, I'm here for you, just remember that ok!

Well anyway, that's all I can remember at the moment, I'll write some more tomorrow


Happy groping!

Twenty-Ninth blog post

Hey bllog buddies!
Well I guess I'll start making time to write more blogs for you gals and gents. School and life in general has been beyond hell right now. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. compain complain complain...FML FML FML  RRRAAAGGGE RAAAAGGGGGEEEE RRRAAGGGEEEE....

So anyway, I guess it`s time to do a little song ripping. I know you've definitely missed my rants about absurd song lyrics.

This week's song is:­ Like a Vrigin. by Madonna.

Well I guess I'll start making time to write more blogs for you gals and gents. School and life in general has been beyond hell right now. BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH. complain complain complain...FML FML FML RRRAAAGGGE RAAAAGGGGGEEEE RRRAAGGGEEEE....




So anyway, I guess it’s time to do a little song ripping. I know you've definitely missed my rants about absurd song lyrics.



This week's song is:¬ “Like a Virgin” by Madonna.



I’d like to start off by saying that Madonna doesn’t know what she’s talking about…She was never a virgin. We all know that.



Anyway,

I made it through the wilderness
Somehow I made it through
Didn't know how lost I was
Until I found you

So we start off with a mental picture of Tarzan and Madonna swinging from vines and shit through the Amazon. And I wonder how Madonna managed to even get through the “wilderness” on her own. Just a side note, when Madonna says wilderness and virgin in the same song, it coincidentally reminds me of pubic hair….. And then when she meets Tarzan and realizes he likes her, she realizes that Tarzan doesn’t want to get lost in her everlasting forest (bush) and so when she finds Tarzan, she discovers personal hygiene. BY THE WAY: nobody likes to go down on a rainforest.

I was beat incomplete
I'd been had, I was sad and blue
But you made me feel
Yeah, you made me feel
Shiny and new

And then Madonna has to explain that she was alone and pitiful, which I highly doubt because she’s had more rides than that mechanical horse outside Wal-Mart. Anyway, she explains that he makes her feel shiny and new…(shaves her bush)

Like a virgin
Touched for the very first time
Like a virgin
When your heart beats
Next to mine

I still don’t understand how Madonna knows what a virgin feels like….

And a virgin being touched for the first time? Well, that’s self-explanatory… SHE GOT LAID! And then she goes on to talk about the after-math of sex when you lay down beside each other to go to sleep because the sex was probably so boring that he had trouble just staying awake during the whole ordeal.

Gonna give you all my love, boy
My fear is fading fast
Been saving it all for you
'Cause only love can last

Sex isn’t love… just saying. And giving him all your love means you have to make his lunch everyday for work…are you up to that Madonna? Didn’t think so. And I know you think you’re in love, but this guy is probably gonna get bored of your flat body. No wonder Madonna has to wear a cone bra… she’s got a negative cup size! She’s so flat the walls are jealous.

You're so fine and you're mine
Make me strong, yeah you make me bold
Oh your love thawed out
Yeah, your love thawed out
What was scared and cold

Of course he’s fine… you lost your v-card to this guy… Sex is wonderful isn’t it Madonna? Well, I guess I don’t have to ask you that…. And quite honestly… I don’t even understand what’s going on here. She’s talking about being hot and cold and thawing out his love… WHY IS HIS DICK FROZEN??? That’s some weird shit right there.

Oooh, oooh, oooh

Yep....sex moans.

Like a virgin, ooh, ooh
Like a virgin
Feels so good inside
When you hold me, and your heart beats, and you love me

More sex moans… keeps on insinuating virginity… blah blah blah..ou la la…. Sexy time sexy time…

And of course it feels good inside you idiot! It’s sex! And just to let you know, his heart isn’t beating because he loves you, his heart is beating because you just had sex…. Just saying. He’s probably gonna dump your ass when he gets bored of you.

Don't be strangers!

Happy groping