Thirty-nine.

Hey blog buddies!

So, just a little tidbit of information, the sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog" contains all 26 letters of the alphabet!!!!! woot woot!


Anyway, today's topic is the first part of a two-part blog I will be making about tacky things that people are infatuated with. Beware, I won't go easy on the guilty pleasures we indulge in. 


Lawn Gnomes: Ok, I absolutely HAVE to start with these. "How to ruin a perfectly beautiful garden/flower bed? Put a fucking lawn gnome in it you fucktard!" Seriously! you can't get much creepier than placing little men in your garden, who, by the way, look absolutely riddiculous. If I ever saw someone wearing bright red cover-alls with a matching beanie, I would punch them in the fucking face. And if that person were in my garden creeping, I would go out and buy a gun.. I'm also not a fan that their height is advantageous for pube-sniffing. You never know when the little fucker's having a sniff!

People who think that a little perfume will cover up their funkyness: Seriously, it takes about 20 minutes to take a thorough shower, the 10 minutes you took dousing yourself in cheap perfume could have easily been spent on a bit of exfoliation. Smell isn't everything, WE CAN SEE YOU!!! When your hair forms dreadlocks all by itself, it probably means you should have taken a shower.... a fucking week ago! Seriously, when I see someone who looks like they just took a bath in Crisco but who smells like Channel #5, I think to myself "EW, I'll lend you my bathtub and bar of soap if you want..." (p.s. Keep the soap when you're done with it) And really, some people whould really attend some sort of seminar in regards to personal hygiene. For instance, lesson number 1: a shower does not consist of just wetting your hair, those bottles; they're shampoo! and lesson number 2: Soap is your friend! and so on and so forth.

Poorly matched foundation: Seriously, there's a difference between makeup that makes you look better and pure Oompa Loompa-ness. It's really not that hard to match your skin tone to a foundation pigment yet sooo many people look simply like the spokesperson for Tropicana. I'm gonna be completely honest here; you look worse orange than you would sans-makeup. 


Velour track-Suits: Oh fuck! Kill me now! P-Diddy called, he wants the pimp suit back, hoe! Let's face it, you look like a fucking fool! There are two possible explanations to these abominations: 1. You are sooo in love with your couch that you decided to make a matching jumpsuit from that same horrendous velvet, in which case I would label you as a genuine "shithead". 2. you're trying sooo hard to be all ghetto fabulous you actually look like white trailer-trash by the name of Bobbi-Jo.


Well anyway, that's all i can write tonight. Part two will come next time, stay tuned!


Happy Groping!

Blogs # 37 and 38

Hey Blog buddies!
I'm going to do two short blogs tonight....Just consider it an added bonus.
The first one is my take on something I saw before. I changed it up. It's REAAALLLYYY dry, so if you don't get it, don't worry.

Ten reasons people should be against gay marriage.

1) Being gay is not natural. Since when have natural things been accepted by society? Take polyester, or robotic arms or airplanes for example....

2) Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around straight people will make you straight.

3) Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry their pets because a dog has legal standing and can sign a marriage contract.

4) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

5) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Brittany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.

6) Straight marriages are valid because they produce children. Gay couples, infertile couples, and old people shouldn't be allowed to marry because our orphanages aren't full yet, and the world needs more children.

7) Obviously gay parents will raise gay children, since straight parents only raise straight children.

8) Gay marriage is not supported by religion. In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are imposed on the entire country.That's why we have only one religion in Canada.

9) Children can never succeed without a male and a female role model at home. That's why we as a society expressly forbid single parents to raise children.

10) Gay marriage will change the foundation of society; we could never adapt to new social norms. Just like we haven't adapted to cars, and computers and such...

Second Blog:

Aloha! from the land of snow and sun. Like seriously what the fuck is up with this fucking weather? Snow one day and 20C the next... Attention: Mother Nature has gone bi-polar, please bring your umbrella, parka, short shorts and snow shovel to work with you today.

Anyway.. I'm going to talk about chatroulette....

For those of you who aren't familiar with what chat roulette is. Here's a link:  www.chatroulette.com I suggest not actually participating... Anyway, it's a site (I guess) where you can go and talk. TO ANYONE in the world... and you'll NEVER know who this person is. There's no name, no age, sex or location. So while you think you may be talking to some poor kid in Taiwan (and really, if you're naive enough to think that a poor kid in Taiwan has access to a computer, you don't deserve oxygen), you're probably talking to your ugly, old, saggy neighbor who is coincidentally pulling his pork (if you know what I mean) with his pants down at the computer. Oh! and did I mention that you have absolutely no choice of who you're going to talk to? So you don't have a choice between the pedophile, the schitzo or the legit normal person. It's like Russian roulette, but with sexual predators! Woto woot! So I suggest perhaps making a menu for you to chose what category of people you would like to talk to. I know, my MS paint skills need to be perfected, but it's just a try.

So essentially, the white boxes are the choices you have. I know! it's sooooooo hard to pick one! They all seem sooooo appealing! While you're at it, you might as well have just give away your identification and credit card numbers too! Fucking morons...

Happy Groping!

Thirty-sixth post

Hey blog buddies! 

I would like to start off by thanking the anonymous person who suggested today's topic!!! I can't believe I hadn't thought of it earlier! Either way, thank you anonymous. (Side note: I'm gonna name my kid Anonymous..... How awesome would that be???) (side note #2: "Tic-Tok on the clock" <---no shit Ke$ha! who knew that's the sound a clock makes!!!) Relationships.... Oh relationships...i have a feeling that you guys know exactly where I'm going with this... It probably won't be pretty.... For those in the "perfect" relationship; wake the fuck up and read this.

First of all, nobody's perfect. So whoever is saving themselves for Mr or Ms right; give it up and get laid already, who are you fooling? We all know you probably choke your chicken or tickle you turkey 5 times a day anyway.... Just saying.

And you know what's worse than all of that? PD-fucking-A's (public display of affection) There's nothing worse than going out somewhere with friends and seeing a young couple (or old...whatever works) sucking face! Like, mother fucker. Seriously, if we wanted to see that shit, we'd stay at home and download porn! Nobody wants to see you tongue jammed half-way down your girlfriend's/boyfriend's throat... very distasteful... You know what would be really funny and totally worth seeing?  If someone choked on the tongue invading their throat... I think that would be funny. I would laugh at them. Probably point and laugh...
Anyway, back on topic, another thing that bugs the shit out of me is when people go out for 3 hours and then they're saying "I love you" you do not! You're just happy cuz you got laid! That's not love, that's sex... There's a difference (sometimes...not always....hahaha) And really, I don't think you're in love with this guy/girl, but more the idea of this guy/girl in your bed, with you, naked. Then he'll/She'll break your heart, you'll cry your little heart out for a week because you were just "soooo fucking in love with him", you'll eat a few tubs of ice cream, cry because you're getting fat, watch sappy love stories and cry again... Notice a pattern? yep...STOP THE CRYING! you look dumb, pitiful and mascara is leaking...

AND finally (I'll make this brief...Glee is on in 20 minutes...), I have one thing to say to those (and I'm referring to the girls here...if guys say this, it's pretty creepy) who always call their friends "baby". It's annoying, soo dumb, totally fake and kinda makes me (and I'm sure countless others) want to punch you in the face. And it would probably be a punch-that-stupid-bitch-in-the-face kind of punch... just saying...

Anyway, I made you all a little representative sketch for today's blog.

Happy Groping!

Blog number thirty five

Hello blog buddies!

To answer to the prying people of Facebook which need not be named, I really don't have time to write every day anymore. As much as I'd love to, I just can't. Well, that and I'm kind of starting to run out of ideas a bit... Which is why I will keep on pushing you guys to give me blog topics. I can honesty write about anything, I just need something to get me started sometimes.

Today I will talk to you guys about the initial concept of some sports. This of course meaning what the sport actually is.

Let us start with Track running.  Let me demonstrate the concept:

Now.... run around this over and over while I time you. I don't know if you guys realize, but we laugh at people who run around in circles randomly... There's a word to describe people who do stuff like that.... (the word is mentally challenged)

But really.... REALLY REALLY REALLY think about it... you're just an idiot running in a circle over and over... Sorry, but there's such better ways to waste your energy...such a spinning in circles til you fall over. (which, by the way, never gets old!)

Second on the chopping block is basketball.

My first question is "Why is there no contact?" I mean really... you're bouncing a ball for Christ's sake! Why can't you push the guy! and Why do you have to dribble in the first place? Like, who wakes up in the morning and is all like: "you can't just HOLD the ball anymore!!! you have to bounce it like a retard from now on!" and I guess it might just be a good thing that you have to dribble the ball, because basketball would be just THAT much more boring. I mean, in all honesty, basketball is boring. It's pretty much the black people version of golf... get the ball in the whole, but since you're tall, get it into a vertical hole!

Which leads me to my next point: GOLF!
The first thing I need to point out is the unusually  small and funnily shaped ball. Sure, it's all round and shit, but what is the point of the little craters all over the ball?? Like honestly, do some people have so much free time on their hands that they much further complicate a  stupid game by creating little indentations all over a white ball? my mom says they add character... FUCK CHARACTER! If I wanted character, I'd play another sport mother fucker! And hitting a tiny ball with a stick? That's almost as exciting as knitting. And you ever notice how the announcers for golf are never excited? They probably hate their job. They probably hate their job as much as the greasy, pimply kid working the deep-fryer at McD's. Mind you, the golf announcer's probably getting a blow-job from the beer cart girl on the side, so....

And finally, to top off my list of amazingly dumb sports, wrestling

I swear I thought we had evolved from cavemen... really. First off, what's the point of two nearly naked men (well, virtually naked, those leotards leave nothing to the imagination) groping each other and throwing each other around. I mean first of all, you could get hurt, and who wants physical pain for themselves? DUH! Secondly, it's got to be the second gayest thing (next to being actually gay) in the world. I mean seriously, you have like men a littl ebit to be able to get all down and sweaty with them... but that's just my thoughts....


Anyway, that's all for tonight, I need you guys to help me with my future blogs so give me topics or ideas as a comment on this blog or any other blog, or on facebook or even through e-mail (skylertyson@hotmail.com)

Happy Groping!