Bad Fashion Trends April 2011

I was sort of... bored today. I should be packing up my stuff...
Anyway... there are a few things I have to write about after going through all my old comments... Today, I chose to write about recent erm... "fashion" trends I've seen out and about...

Leggings

Eek. just eek. I don't know what else there really is to say... Sure, these are acceptable to be worn under a rather short skirt to make it not yell "fuck me" to the world, but when you start wearing leggings...and a regular shirt... and NOTHING ELSE, then there's a problem. I don't know why girls insist on wearing them....but nobody wants to see your fucking Camel Toe. Not just the camel toe though.... you got the double wedge going on. You got wedging in the front and wedging in the back. I'm sorry...but if I'm walking down the street and I can see the division in your vadge... there's a problem. 

See! Camel Toe. Not cool


Next on the agenda....
Man-staches.
I don't think I need to say too much about these...except that they're popping up EVERYWHERE.  I don't know what the appeal is for these things... they're ugly as fuck and make it look like there's a caterpillar living above you lip. I don't care how much you take care of it or groom it or trim it; if it's still there in any essence, it shouldn't. You look like a huge tool who lives in his parent's basement. There is absolutely nothing attractive about a stache. NUH-THING! So shave that bastard off, get yourself some clothes that fit and find yourself a fucking job.


Wrinkly/Crinkly clothes.
Yet another thing I do not find appealing in any sense... Sure, your parachute pants might have been all the fad when your grandparents were mating. Think about THAT whenever you reach for them the next time. But seriously... there's some sort of problem when you go to a store and see a shirt that has permanent wrinkles affixed in the fabric. If you ever want to be taken seriously, looking like you just got out of bed after a night of getting completely shmammed is not the way to go. It's called an iron, and everyone should take a 5 minute class on how to use one. 


Funky Coloured Animal Prints
THE SHAME! THE SHAME you should be experiencing if you've EVER worn anything from this collection of patterns. It looks like a cheetah got tripped out on acid. And the worst about it is that this pattern comes in every fucking article of clothing imaginable! from stockings to lingerie to hats. It's ridiculous! How do you expect do ever be taken seriously if your socks looks like a tiger got in a fight with a cotton candy machine? I'm not going to say much more about these...except I expect you to burn any article that has any of this tomfoolery on it/made from it. 


Leave your comments below and tell me what you think
.Happy Groping!,

Born This Way

Hey Blog buddies!
oh dear... it seems I have all but forgotten about this blog. I know most of you reading this have probably lost hope in me ever writing again... Hopefully I haven't lost my touch... or any of my faithful readers haha.


So....It's been so long... I can't even figure out what I'm going to write about...
Well. maybe I should pick a fan favourite and write about a song. Yes. a song. But which song exactly? There seems to be a panoply of fucking shitty ass songs lately everyfuckingwhere... hmm... I may get shot for this one... but I think, my song of choice for this week is...... Born This Way!


So... I'll admit.. I'm a fan of Gaga at the best of times, but it's SOOO easy and amusing to make fun of her. 
The video, which I will not analyze here... is also kind of fucky if you ask me...  you can watch it HERE  if you like... 


ANYWAY. That being said, I'll get started, because I know how much you guys have been looking forward to this.


So we start off with a rather slow intro of Gaga being monotone...what's new, right? If you're going to make a new song, change it up a bit.

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M

Just put your paws up'

cause you were Born This Way, Baby

-So she's basically saying "I don't care if you're catholic or not, but you're going to buy my music and support my lavish lifestyle because I'm Lady fucking Gaga". 
-And why does she insist her fans have paws? I am appalled that you compare me to some animal. I cannot speak for my fellow humans, but I am 100% certain that I am not an animal.
-And just an F.Y.I. I was NOT born this way... I can't imagine squeezing my way out of a vadge at this size.... (and I know you guys are all picturing it now...you're VERY welcome)

MY MAMA TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG

WE ARE ALL BORN SUPERSTARS

SHE ROLLED MY HAIR AND PUT MY LIPSTICK ON

IN THE GLASS OF HER BOUDOIR

"THERE'S NOTHIN WRONG WITH LOVIN WHO YOU ARE"

SHE SAID, "'CAUSE HE MADE YOU PERFECT, BABE"

"SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP GIRL AND YOU'LL GO FAR,

LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY"

-Your mom lied. It's as simple as that. we are NOT all born superstars... I was.. but I know people who weren't
-How do you roll hair? that doesn't even make sense... you obviously just needed  a one-syllable word here because "put my hair up" is too long and "whip my hair" was already taken.
-Wait.... hold up... why is your mom putting lipstick on you and doing your hair? I smell a hooker (not a pleasant smell in case anyone was wondering)
-Ok. I have to disagree with her mom here... whoever this eponymous "he" is... he did not make her perfect... she could be prettier... 
-And another couple wise words of wisdom here" hold your head up and you'll go far" . . . obviously... because if you keep your head down, you're likely to run into a pole or something...


ok. so then there's the chorus... there's not much wrong here... so I'll just skip the first part.

DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET

JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET

I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY

I WAS BORN THIS WAY

-How do you hide in regret? That's like saying I'm gonna go hide myself in a bag of fucking umbrellas... conspicuous  as fuck if you ask me. 
-Lady Gaga... if you're trying to be a role model...telling people to love themselves and they'll be "happy" is not the way to go.  We have enough egotistical assholes around here if you ask me. 
-And this "right track business"...it's overrated.. the left track is where the candy is at.

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

-These lines kinda creep me out... not because of what they say...but because she says them in her creey monotone voice like she's trying to brain wash us...
-And what the fuck is she even trying to say here? Don't be a drag... but be a queen... I am the fucking queen. Why would I even want to be a drag queen....Has anyone seen a real drag queen? They can be creepy as all fuck. Here... check it out. 

Tasty...right? Now you're all going to have nightmares.


BACK TO THE SONG.

GIVE YOURSELF PRUDENCE

AND LOVE YOUR FRIENDS

SUBWAY KID, REJOICE YOUR TRUTH

-Lady Gaga! Why do you speak to us in code? First you say were animals...now you're trying to mind fuck us back to nowhere. 
-And why do you want the kid at Subway to rejoice his truth? What does that even mean?
Subway kid says: "I EAT AT SUBWAY BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT LIKE THAT JARED GUY!" 
Really? What are we supposed to earn from that shit?

A DIFFERENT LOVER IS NOT A SIN

BELIEVE CAPITAL H-I-M (HEY HEY HEY)

Further proof she is a hooker. PROSTITUTION IS A SIN! EVERYONE! THROW ROCKS AT HER!

DON'T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A QUEEN

WHETHER YOU'RE BROKE OR EVERGREEN

YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE, BEIGE, CHOLA DESCENT

YOU'RE LEBANESE, YOU'RE ORIENT

WHETHER LIFE'S DISABILITIES

LEFT YOU OUTCAST, BULLIED, OR TEASED

REJOICE AND LOVE YOURSELF TODAY

'CAUSE BABY YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY

OHHHH SOO much wrong with this. This is the part I was most looking forward to... 
-There she goes with her monotone voice again... telling us to be drag queens... on the other hand.. i don't think I would make a very good drag queen. 
-So.... if you're poor... or a tree.... WHERE THE FUCK does everyone else fit in here? If you're living on the streets... or you're a maple tree... no. a maple tree isn't even evergreen.. you get to be an even shittier tree called the Pine Tree. 
-ok fine.. mentioning everyone... BUT why does she single out the lebanese? I never understood that. That's like saying: I like fruits and vegetables....and apples.
-and then there's not much else I can say about the rest of that stanza without looking like a total prick...so I'll just leave it at that


And that's about it... she repeats things I've already torn apart for the rest of the song.


Now that school's done, I promise you'll get more regular updates. I know you guys were scared for a bit. 


Leave suggestions for new topics in the comments!!!
Actually, just comment, I love reading them and there are far too few!

Happy Groping!

Merry Christmas!

OK OK OK

I know it's been like, forever since I've written anything in here. And I'm sorry. I've recently heard that I have more fans than I originally thought.

Therefore, I am hoping to write alot more. Well, a little more than once every 3 months that for sure. Ha. Yeah... we all know how well I stick to things when I say them haha.

Anyway. My blog today will be about fucking Christmas Carols. Like, Christmas is definitely my favourite holiday (with the exception of my birthday) but the stupid mother fucking songs people NEED to sing around this time of year.  So, I'll go down the list of songs that just tick me off and make me smack the off button on my radio.

"Grandma got run over my a reindeer"
What kind of sick mother fucker sings about how his grandmother was killed by Santa's "trusty" steeds? Like, come on.

"Do They Know it's Christmas"
Another stupid song... Who the fuck doesn't know it's Christmas. The fucking Jews know it's Christmas... even if they don't celebrate it. Like, unless you don't own a tv, a radio, never go shopping or do anything but lay in bed and stare at your ceiling.

"Jingle Bells"
ahaha... so the song itself isn't all that bad... but what if, like, it wasn't "jingle" bells; but like, some-other-onomatopoeia-kind-of-bells

"Twelve Days of Christmas"
Two words can efficiently describe how I feel about this song. SHUT UP. Hearing that your true love gave you 50 million fucking birds and song rings and a bunch of rando people does not make me very Christmassy.

Oh...and what is with all those sad Christmas songs... It's like, SHUT THE FUCK UP! it's Christmas. You can sing about all your other problems every other fucking day of the year.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Happy Groping!