Born This Way

Hey Blog buddies!
oh dear... it seems I have all but forgotten about this blog. I know most of you reading this have probably lost hope in me ever writing again... Hopefully I haven't lost my touch... or any of my faithful readers haha.


So....It's been so long... I can't even figure out what I'm going to write about...
Well. maybe I should pick a fan favourite and write about a song. Yes. a song. But which song exactly? There seems to be a panoply of fucking shitty ass songs lately everyfuckingwhere... hmm... I may get shot for this one... but I think, my song of choice for this week is...... Born This Way!


So... I'll admit.. I'm a fan of Gaga at the best of times, but it's SOOO easy and amusing to make fun of her. 
The video, which I will not analyze here... is also kind of fucky if you ask me...  you can watch it HERE  if you like... 


ANYWAY. That being said, I'll get started, because I know how much you guys have been looking forward to this.


So we start off with a rather slow intro of Gaga being monotone...what's new, right? If you're going to make a new song, change it up a bit.

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M

Just put your paws up'

cause you were Born This Way, Baby

-So she's basically saying "I don't care if you're catholic or not, but you're going to buy my music and support my lavish lifestyle because I'm Lady fucking Gaga". 
-And why does she insist her fans have paws? I am appalled that you compare me to some animal. I cannot speak for my fellow humans, but I am 100% certain that I am not an animal.
-And just an F.Y.I. I was NOT born this way... I can't imagine squeezing my way out of a vadge at this size.... (and I know you guys are all picturing it now...you're VERY welcome)

MY MAMA TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG

WE ARE ALL BORN SUPERSTARS

SHE ROLLED MY HAIR AND PUT MY LIPSTICK ON

IN THE GLASS OF HER BOUDOIR

"THERE'S NOTHIN WRONG WITH LOVIN WHO YOU ARE"

SHE SAID, "'CAUSE HE MADE YOU PERFECT, BABE"

"SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP GIRL AND YOU'LL GO FAR,

LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY"

-Your mom lied. It's as simple as that. we are NOT all born superstars... I was.. but I know people who weren't
-How do you roll hair? that doesn't even make sense... you obviously just needed  a one-syllable word here because "put my hair up" is too long and "whip my hair" was already taken.
-Wait.... hold up... why is your mom putting lipstick on you and doing your hair? I smell a hooker (not a pleasant smell in case anyone was wondering)
-Ok. I have to disagree with her mom here... whoever this eponymous "he" is... he did not make her perfect... she could be prettier... 
-And another couple wise words of wisdom here" hold your head up and you'll go far" . . . obviously... because if you keep your head down, you're likely to run into a pole or something...


ok. so then there's the chorus... there's not much wrong here... so I'll just skip the first part.

DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET

JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET

I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY

I WAS BORN THIS WAY

-How do you hide in regret? That's like saying I'm gonna go hide myself in a bag of fucking umbrellas... conspicuous  as fuck if you ask me. 
-Lady Gaga... if you're trying to be a role model...telling people to love themselves and they'll be "happy" is not the way to go.  We have enough egotistical assholes around here if you ask me. 
-And this "right track business"...it's overrated.. the left track is where the candy is at.

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

-These lines kinda creep me out... not because of what they say...but because she says them in her creey monotone voice like she's trying to brain wash us...
-And what the fuck is she even trying to say here? Don't be a drag... but be a queen... I am the fucking queen. Why would I even want to be a drag queen....Has anyone seen a real drag queen? They can be creepy as all fuck. Here... check it out. 

Tasty...right? Now you're all going to have nightmares.


BACK TO THE SONG.

GIVE YOURSELF PRUDENCE

AND LOVE YOUR FRIENDS

SUBWAY KID, REJOICE YOUR TRUTH

-Lady Gaga! Why do you speak to us in code? First you say were animals...now you're trying to mind fuck us back to nowhere. 
-And why do you want the kid at Subway to rejoice his truth? What does that even mean?
Subway kid says: "I EAT AT SUBWAY BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT LIKE THAT JARED GUY!" 
Really? What are we supposed to earn from that shit?

A DIFFERENT LOVER IS NOT A SIN

BELIEVE CAPITAL H-I-M (HEY HEY HEY)

Further proof she is a hooker. PROSTITUTION IS A SIN! EVERYONE! THROW ROCKS AT HER!

DON'T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A QUEEN

WHETHER YOU'RE BROKE OR EVERGREEN

YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE, BEIGE, CHOLA DESCENT

YOU'RE LEBANESE, YOU'RE ORIENT

WHETHER LIFE'S DISABILITIES

LEFT YOU OUTCAST, BULLIED, OR TEASED

REJOICE AND LOVE YOURSELF TODAY

'CAUSE BABY YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY

OHHHH SOO much wrong with this. This is the part I was most looking forward to... 
-There she goes with her monotone voice again... telling us to be drag queens... on the other hand.. i don't think I would make a very good drag queen. 
-So.... if you're poor... or a tree.... WHERE THE FUCK does everyone else fit in here? If you're living on the streets... or you're a maple tree... no. a maple tree isn't even evergreen.. you get to be an even shittier tree called the Pine Tree. 
-ok fine.. mentioning everyone... BUT why does she single out the lebanese? I never understood that. That's like saying: I like fruits and vegetables....and apples.
-and then there's not much else I can say about the rest of that stanza without looking like a total prick...so I'll just leave it at that


And that's about it... she repeats things I've already torn apart for the rest of the song.


Now that school's done, I promise you'll get more regular updates. I know you guys were scared for a bit. 


Leave suggestions for new topics in the comments!!!
Actually, just comment, I love reading them and there are far too few!

Happy Groping!

Merry Christmas!

OK OK OK

I know it's been like, forever since I've written anything in here. And I'm sorry. I've recently heard that I have more fans than I originally thought.

Therefore, I am hoping to write alot more. Well, a little more than once every 3 months that for sure. Ha. Yeah... we all know how well I stick to things when I say them haha.

Anyway. My blog today will be about fucking Christmas Carols. Like, Christmas is definitely my favourite holiday (with the exception of my birthday) but the stupid mother fucking songs people NEED to sing around this time of year.  So, I'll go down the list of songs that just tick me off and make me smack the off button on my radio.

"Grandma got run over my a reindeer"
What kind of sick mother fucker sings about how his grandmother was killed by Santa's "trusty" steeds? Like, come on.

"Do They Know it's Christmas"
Another stupid song... Who the fuck doesn't know it's Christmas. The fucking Jews know it's Christmas... even if they don't celebrate it. Like, unless you don't own a tv, a radio, never go shopping or do anything but lay in bed and stare at your ceiling.

"Jingle Bells"
ahaha... so the song itself isn't all that bad... but what if, like, it wasn't "jingle" bells; but like, some-other-onomatopoeia-kind-of-bells

"Twelve Days of Christmas"
Two words can efficiently describe how I feel about this song. SHUT UP. Hearing that your true love gave you 50 million fucking birds and song rings and a bunch of rando people does not make me very Christmassy.

Oh...and what is with all those sad Christmas songs... It's like, SHUT THE FUCK UP! it's Christmas. You can sing about all your other problems every other fucking day of the year.

Merry Christmas Everybody!

Happy Groping!

Airport fun

Hey blog buddies.

HAPPY READING WEEKKKKKK!!! and for those who don't get one... you suck. aha.

ANYWAY. funny thing happened to me yesterday. I had to catch a 9:30 flight from Ottawa to Sudbury.. no big deal.......you'd think. But I somehow managed to fuck it up, well, sorta.

So I figured I'd wake up nice and early at 6:00 and take my time, go for a shower, eat breakfast and make sure I packed everything I needed. Keep in mind that I had planned on arriving an hour before my flight left. SO I decide to check my itinerary and things seem to be on time.. then I realize it's about an hour bus ride from my house to the airport. It's currently 7:45 AM. oh YES! I'm sooo fucking pumped to run through the airport. I must say though, given the flights I've been on, about 60% of them involved some running. Then, as I realize I have to walk to the bus stop...I hurry the fuck up, get my coat and run downstairs with my huge luggage. I get outside. Fuck my fucking life... It's like minus 500 degrees outside. Then, just when I thought it couldn't get any worse, my lovely East Indian neighbour gives me a ride to the bus stop. YAY ME! it actually shaved about 10 minutes off my time. So I get on the bus and I swear my bus driver was Mother Theresa. She waited like 10 minutes at every stop just to make sure nobody else was getting on the fucking bus. LIKE, HELLOOOO! I have a plane to catch bitch face.

So I finally get to the airport and I have 4 minutes left for check in. Thank fucking god. I would have had a shit fit right there had I missed check in. Oh and the Ottawa airport isn't that busy, so I actually had just enough time to run and catch the first boarding call for my flight. It was BEAUTIFUL.

So yeah... the flight was pretty uneventful... I had a whole section to myself (2 seats) which was like, some sorta prize I guess for being able to fucking run through all the sections of the airport in 10 minutes flat. and omg. they had these Terra chip things on the plane... they were kinda amazing. Definitely pick up one next time you fly Porter.

So yeah.. that was my morning yesterday... how great right?

Happy Groping!