The dreaded - "Friday"

Hey blog buddies! So you probably thought that I had forgotten about you again... That I had fallen off the bandwagon one more time... But I haven't! I plan on being a little more frequent these days now that school is over. So I got a lot of good feedback from the "Born This Way" piece I wrote last time... I figured I might as well pick another song to rip apart this time... You will also notice that the last post I did also brought along a few changes to my blog, including a new layout and some new music...


And what a better piece to do than "Friday" If you haven't seen it yet, it's rather horrible...but you can watch it  by clicking here

7am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends 

-I don't ever remember one morning, waking up and having my makeup on and my hair did... just gonna say that much right away.
- "Gotta be fresh"? really? you are so white you make Britney Spears look like Tupac. You can't say "Gotta be fresh"
-"Gotta have my bowl" yeeahh!!! that's what I'm talking about! Get out the weed and smoke a bowl you fucking stoner. And the cereal..gotta love the munchies! That rabbit on the cereal box must be trippy as fuck too while you're high.
-Yeah...that's what happens in the morning.. people rush... because people sleep in... and yeah.
-Why are you going to the bus stop to meet your friends? That's just bullshit... no reason for that. They can pick you up at home! Unless you're trying to not let your friends see the crackhouse you're currently living in... then going to the bus stop to meet your friends is totally acceptable.

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

Not sure if she's aware... but if there's someone kickin' in the front and someone sittin' in the back seat... and you STILL don't know which seat to take... There are 2 possible scenarios a)your friend is driving a van... in which case, he's pathetic. or b) you're a dumbass and your real seat is on the road, in front of the car. Lie down. It won't hurt for long.

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend

OH MY GOD! Did you hear? It's Friday! Holy fuck! I might as well right a song about it!....so that's what she did.. and to make things better, she repeats herself like she has some sort of OCD where she has to say the last word of every verse twice just so she can continue on her weekend, weekend.

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

There are 2 things wrong with these lyrics.
1) they're not lyrics... they're 2 words and one sentence.
2)They suck.
First of all, you're 12. "Partyin'" for you means a sleepover with cartoons. Secondly, repeating the word "fun" 4 times in a row does not make a song... it makes a robot with a glitch.

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Are you even allowed to be on a highway? How old are your friends? Just a side note, by going faster, that does not, in turn, make time go faster... it just leads to increased risks of a collision... which I happens really soon in this song for the sake of my sanity. And there she goes adding the word "fun" all over the fucking place to make it seem like this is an actual song.
-"I got this, you got this" WHAT DO WE GOT? Please Rebecca Black. Tell me what we've got in common... because I still see nothing. You're as dumb as a stump.
-"The friend on her right" looks like a drunken accordion player in the music video..just an FYI

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today i-is Friday, Friday (Partyin’)
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

wait. hold up. If today is Friday, that means yesterday is Thursday? Who knew? holy shit Rebecca Black! You might be on to something here... or you're just putting shit lyrics in this "song" to make it a full 3 minutes (of hell, I might add). And remember... because it's Friday, that means it's sleepover night. Tonight, we're featuring Mickey Mouse!
-And she goes on a bit of a stutter again...trying to add syllables to the verse by saying "we" over and over again.
-"Having a ball" now this doesn't just apply to this song... but how does one have a ball? Instead of a child, are you supposed to squeeze a sphere out of your vadge? If so, how is that interpreted as fun? Or..."having a ball" as in... consuming a man's testicle? Also... not very fun... Where does this shit come from?

Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes after...wards
I don’t want this weekend to end

I don't know if she's just reassuring herself or she thinks the rest of the world doesn't know the sequence of the days of the week... or she's at a further loss for lyrics... but why the fuck is she telling us that the day after Friday is Saturday and that Sunday comes after...wards. And why is there a huge fucking gap between after and wards... IT'S NOT 2 WORDS! and of course you don't want the weekend to end...it took you a whole song to figure out how long it is and how much "fun" you're going to have... by the time you sing about it all, it's going to be over.

R-B, Rebecca Black
So chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’ (Yeah, yeah)
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a car up on my side (Woo!)
(C’mon) Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, c’mon, y’all

-Ew. do not refer to her as R-B, you large, black male perv.
-"chillin" here can be replaced with sexing... or screwing... or better yet, fucking. They be fucking ALL over the car.
-If you're going slow enough for a school bus to pass you, there is definitely some sort of problem... get yourself a real car asshole.
-"Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream" What? I don't even want to know... seriously.
-EWWW... you're like... 50...she's 12. You cannot talk about Rebecca Black, you, and "fun" at the same time. this is wrong.


And the rest of the song is "fun" repeated 100 times...


I know it took me a while to get to this song... but please. Bear with me.


leave your comments below, I read every single one of them!
Any topics you would like for me to discuss can also be added below.
.Happy Groping!,

Bad Fashion Trends April 2011

I was sort of... bored today. I should be packing up my stuff...
Anyway... there are a few things I have to write about after going through all my old comments... Today, I chose to write about recent erm... "fashion" trends I've seen out and about...

Leggings

Eek. just eek. I don't know what else there really is to say... Sure, these are acceptable to be worn under a rather short skirt to make it not yell "fuck me" to the world, but when you start wearing leggings...and a regular shirt... and NOTHING ELSE, then there's a problem. I don't know why girls insist on wearing them....but nobody wants to see your fucking Camel Toe. Not just the camel toe though.... you got the double wedge going on. You got wedging in the front and wedging in the back. I'm sorry...but if I'm walking down the street and I can see the division in your vadge... there's a problem. 

See! Camel Toe. Not cool


Next on the agenda....
Man-staches.
I don't think I need to say too much about these...except that they're popping up EVERYWHERE.  I don't know what the appeal is for these things... they're ugly as fuck and make it look like there's a caterpillar living above you lip. I don't care how much you take care of it or groom it or trim it; if it's still there in any essence, it shouldn't. You look like a huge tool who lives in his parent's basement. There is absolutely nothing attractive about a stache. NUH-THING! So shave that bastard off, get yourself some clothes that fit and find yourself a fucking job.


Wrinkly/Crinkly clothes.
Yet another thing I do not find appealing in any sense... Sure, your parachute pants might have been all the fad when your grandparents were mating. Think about THAT whenever you reach for them the next time. But seriously... there's some sort of problem when you go to a store and see a shirt that has permanent wrinkles affixed in the fabric. If you ever want to be taken seriously, looking like you just got out of bed after a night of getting completely shmammed is not the way to go. It's called an iron, and everyone should take a 5 minute class on how to use one. 


Funky Coloured Animal Prints
THE SHAME! THE SHAME you should be experiencing if you've EVER worn anything from this collection of patterns. It looks like a cheetah got tripped out on acid. And the worst about it is that this pattern comes in every fucking article of clothing imaginable! from stockings to lingerie to hats. It's ridiculous! How do you expect do ever be taken seriously if your socks looks like a tiger got in a fight with a cotton candy machine? I'm not going to say much more about these...except I expect you to burn any article that has any of this tomfoolery on it/made from it. 


Leave your comments below and tell me what you think
.Happy Groping!,

Born This Way

Hey Blog buddies!
oh dear... it seems I have all but forgotten about this blog. I know most of you reading this have probably lost hope in me ever writing again... Hopefully I haven't lost my touch... or any of my faithful readers haha.


So....It's been so long... I can't even figure out what I'm going to write about...
Well. maybe I should pick a fan favourite and write about a song. Yes. a song. But which song exactly? There seems to be a panoply of fucking shitty ass songs lately everyfuckingwhere... hmm... I may get shot for this one... but I think, my song of choice for this week is...... Born This Way!


So... I'll admit.. I'm a fan of Gaga at the best of times, but it's SOOO easy and amusing to make fun of her. 
The video, which I will not analyze here... is also kind of fucky if you ask me...  you can watch it HERE  if you like... 


ANYWAY. That being said, I'll get started, because I know how much you guys have been looking forward to this.


So we start off with a rather slow intro of Gaga being monotone...what's new, right? If you're going to make a new song, change it up a bit.

It doesn't matter if you love him, or capital H-I-M

Just put your paws up'

cause you were Born This Way, Baby

-So she's basically saying "I don't care if you're catholic or not, but you're going to buy my music and support my lavish lifestyle because I'm Lady fucking Gaga". 
-And why does she insist her fans have paws? I am appalled that you compare me to some animal. I cannot speak for my fellow humans, but I am 100% certain that I am not an animal.
-And just an F.Y.I. I was NOT born this way... I can't imagine squeezing my way out of a vadge at this size.... (and I know you guys are all picturing it now...you're VERY welcome)

MY MAMA TOLD ME WHEN I WAS YOUNG

WE ARE ALL BORN SUPERSTARS

SHE ROLLED MY HAIR AND PUT MY LIPSTICK ON

IN THE GLASS OF HER BOUDOIR

"THERE'S NOTHIN WRONG WITH LOVIN WHO YOU ARE"

SHE SAID, "'CAUSE HE MADE YOU PERFECT, BABE"

"SO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP GIRL AND YOU'LL GO FAR,

LISTEN TO ME WHEN I SAY"

-Your mom lied. It's as simple as that. we are NOT all born superstars... I was.. but I know people who weren't
-How do you roll hair? that doesn't even make sense... you obviously just needed  a one-syllable word here because "put my hair up" is too long and "whip my hair" was already taken.
-Wait.... hold up... why is your mom putting lipstick on you and doing your hair? I smell a hooker (not a pleasant smell in case anyone was wondering)
-Ok. I have to disagree with her mom here... whoever this eponymous "he" is... he did not make her perfect... she could be prettier... 
-And another couple wise words of wisdom here" hold your head up and you'll go far" . . . obviously... because if you keep your head down, you're likely to run into a pole or something...


ok. so then there's the chorus... there's not much wrong here... so I'll just skip the first part.

DON'T HIDE YOURSELF IN REGRET

JUST LOVE YOURSELF AND YOU'RE SET

I'M ON THE RIGHT TRACK BABY

I WAS BORN THIS WAY

-How do you hide in regret? That's like saying I'm gonna go hide myself in a bag of fucking umbrellas... conspicuous  as fuck if you ask me. 
-Lady Gaga... if you're trying to be a role model...telling people to love themselves and they'll be "happy" is not the way to go.  We have enough egotistical assholes around here if you ask me. 
-And this "right track business"...it's overrated.. the left track is where the candy is at.

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

DON'T BE A DRAG -JUST BE A QUEEN

-These lines kinda creep me out... not because of what they say...but because she says them in her creey monotone voice like she's trying to brain wash us...
-And what the fuck is she even trying to say here? Don't be a drag... but be a queen... I am the fucking queen. Why would I even want to be a drag queen....Has anyone seen a real drag queen? They can be creepy as all fuck. Here... check it out. 

Tasty...right? Now you're all going to have nightmares.


BACK TO THE SONG.

GIVE YOURSELF PRUDENCE

AND LOVE YOUR FRIENDS

SUBWAY KID, REJOICE YOUR TRUTH

-Lady Gaga! Why do you speak to us in code? First you say were animals...now you're trying to mind fuck us back to nowhere. 
-And why do you want the kid at Subway to rejoice his truth? What does that even mean?
Subway kid says: "I EAT AT SUBWAY BECAUSE I WANT TO LOOSE WEIGHT LIKE THAT JARED GUY!" 
Really? What are we supposed to earn from that shit?

A DIFFERENT LOVER IS NOT A SIN

BELIEVE CAPITAL H-I-M (HEY HEY HEY)

Further proof she is a hooker. PROSTITUTION IS A SIN! EVERYONE! THROW ROCKS AT HER!

DON'T BE A DRAG, JUST BE A QUEEN

WHETHER YOU'RE BROKE OR EVERGREEN

YOU'RE BLACK, WHITE, BEIGE, CHOLA DESCENT

YOU'RE LEBANESE, YOU'RE ORIENT

WHETHER LIFE'S DISABILITIES

LEFT YOU OUTCAST, BULLIED, OR TEASED

REJOICE AND LOVE YOURSELF TODAY

'CAUSE BABY YOU WERE BORN THIS WAY

OHHHH SOO much wrong with this. This is the part I was most looking forward to... 
-There she goes with her monotone voice again... telling us to be drag queens... on the other hand.. i don't think I would make a very good drag queen. 
-So.... if you're poor... or a tree.... WHERE THE FUCK does everyone else fit in here? If you're living on the streets... or you're a maple tree... no. a maple tree isn't even evergreen.. you get to be an even shittier tree called the Pine Tree. 
-ok fine.. mentioning everyone... BUT why does she single out the lebanese? I never understood that. That's like saying: I like fruits and vegetables....and apples.
-and then there's not much else I can say about the rest of that stanza without looking like a total prick...so I'll just leave it at that


And that's about it... she repeats things I've already torn apart for the rest of the song.


Now that school's done, I promise you'll get more regular updates. I know you guys were scared for a bit. 


Leave suggestions for new topics in the comments!!!
Actually, just comment, I love reading them and there are far too few!

Happy Groping!